Sunday, December 28, 2014

Mutantis (2014)

Eyeball Treat: Mutantis (2014)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, Danger_Slater! If you're a regular around these parts, you'll recognize him from this post on Street Trash. To refresh your probably not-so-fresh memory, this is Danger...

He's a witty bastard and when he's not adventuring on his trusty tapir, he puts words to paper. Sometimes those words involve Will Smith having cock-hands. You can check out some of those words here


The Meat of Mutantis: There is something in the woods having murdery, sexy times with hippies. This is not as groovy as it may sound.

And just a friendly reminder, we tried to go easy on the spoilers since this is a new release but keep in mind that you're taking a risk whenever you read about a movie you have yet to see. 

Also, there are pictures of mutant monster genitalia so maybe don't read this post in the company of anyone who might not dig creature junk. 


Having said that, here are five things Danger_Slater loved about Mutantis

1.  Ben Franklin Guy

So Ben Franklin Guy is the dad in the movie. His name isn't actually Ben Franklin Guy. I think his name is Father Joy, which is pretty much just as weird as if it were Ben Franklin Guy. I'd like to think the filmmakers made him look like Ben Franklin on purpose as a tribute to the esoteric Founding Father, but I think the weird costume was just to mask the fact that they would randomly switch between two actors playing the same role.

Believe it or not, that's three different guys.

In addition to evoking all sorts of patriotic American pride in me, Ben Franklin Guy is also trying to have sex with his daughter, like, THE WHOLE TIME, which I assume is true of the real Uncle Ben too. 

Bad touch.

Wait, do people refer to Ben Franklin as Uncle Ben? I'm confusing myself now. 

2. Hippie Dance Party

So about 20 minutes into this film, the main characters bump into some hippies doing some hippie shit in the woods. Communing with nature and smoking drugs, or whatever the fuck. The nerdy chick wants to get 'groovy' which sounds sexy, but it mostly just involves a lot of bad dancing. 

"But Dennis, I want to be groovy."

Haha. I'm actually watching this scene again as I write this and it's fucking cracking me up. The dialogue in this movie is so silly. I'm getting off track here. Let me recalibrate. I'm here to talk about hippies dancing. 

The 'dance party' is such a weird trope in low-budget movies. It happens in pretty much every single one I can think of. Try to think of a low-budget movie that doesn't have a dance scene. I bet you can't, can you?

3. Mustaches Everywhere

Nearly every male character in this movie had a mustache. This might be the most mustachey movie of all time! 

Even Ben Franklin Guy has a mustache, which as you well know, is not true of the actual Ben Franklin. This movie is literally rewriting HISTORY! 

Shit, there's even a girl in this movie with a mustache. 

I found that really confusing to my masculinity. I think it might've even turned me gay. Let me check......................................................................................................................................................................................
.................nope. Still into camels. Oh, have I mentioned that I'm only sexually attracted to camels?

4. Bad Acid Trips, Man! 

OH SHIT! We took some weird acid! Or maybe it was just a joint. But these are movie drugs, so marijuana makes you see SATAN because we're getting far-out! I don't know what I'm talking about. But don't you just hate it when you've finished your hippie woods dance party and all you want to do is relax with a nice bone and all of a sudden the music starts playing backwards and pentagrams start floating in front of your eyes and the silhouette of The Beast starts trying to stab a dagger through you in some sorta ritualistic blood sacrifice? 

Me too. 

And whoever is playing Satan in this movie is my new fucking hero. 

He kinda looked like a version of my good friend Shawn, which made me miss Shawn because he lives all the way in San Francisco. Thank you, Mutantis, for reminding me to call him.

5. Mutantis's Pussy

The feather pubes are a nice touch.

Yes, Mutantis has a pussy. And inside Mutantis's pussy is a cock.

Mutantis sticks it to the establishment.

And Mutantis uses its pussycock to have non-consensual sex with pretty much every person it comes across. Or should I say 'cums' across. Hahaha. I just made a pun! I'm hilarious! So yeah, this monster-thing is the centerpiece for this whole film. 

And it's weird and gross and vile and funny all at the same time. I could watch Mutantis mate all day long. I think I learned more about reproduction from watching this movie than I did in 8 years of health class in school. Shit, why do they even bother teaching sex-ed OR American History when they can just show this film? Ben Franklin Guy is in it anyway. That's all the history I need.

And that concludes Danger_Slater's portion of this post! Thanks Danger!  

I've got to say Danger did a bang up job covering some of the fun that Mutantis has to offer. I was going to offer up the five things that I love about Mutantis but then I started to worry that perhaps we'd be giving away too many of its delicious secrets. I mean, we did give you pussycock! Though it is my hope that pussycock is less of a spoiler and more of an enticement. If you didn't have a reason to see Mutantis before, you sure do now!

Anyway, I think I'm going to leave my five things up to your imagination. What's that you say? You aren't feeling very imaginative? Fine. My five things are this picture of Mutantis's pussycock.

Wait. Actually, I do have two things I want to talk about. So I lied. Whatever. You got an extra dose of extra FIVE doses... so you've got nothing to complain about.

First, I want to talk about this guy.

That would be The Fruit Stand Clerk. His name is Mark Leake
and he also wrote and produced Mutantis. Turns out I actually met this dude back in 2007 at  HorrorFind Weekend.

Lady Terminator and Mark Leake 2007

Apparently, I asked him to pose for a photo and then waited 7 years before I bothered to watch any of his films. I think that makes me kind of a dick. Still, it was kind of cool to watch the movie and be like, "Hey! I met that guy!" Small world!

The second thing I want to talk about is this guy.

That's Ol' Jonah played by the captivating Gary Brown

And guess what, I met that guy, too! 

That's Lady T with G. (He's sportin' the Pee Baby shirt.) The dude behind me is Shamus McCarty, owner/operator of Rooster Republic Press.

Oh, hey! Turns out Danger also met G! 

Here's G wearing a museum quality replica of the face in Munch's The Scream while singing Ratt's Round and Round with Danger. Really. That's what's happening here.

Ya see, G is also a part of the bizarro/indie publishing scene and all three of us met up at BizarroCon. He's the one who put a copy of Mutantis in my hands. Thanks, G
So after all this rambling, lets get to the point. This is where Danger and I stand on the issue of Mutantis.


So what did we learn today, kiddos?

1. Mutantis is sexually liberated. Mutantis is ready to make it anywhere at anytime. 

2. If you like your entertainment low-budget, ridiculous, over the top and full of monster sex, you're going to want to check out Mutantis. You can pick up a copy on Amazon or rent it here. Unless you're the establishment. Then it's probably not your thing. 


Until next time...

Stay Groovy,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Sick and Tiled: I LIKE THAT SHIT

I'm going to tell you about some shit I like. 

Today's lucky shit is...Sick and Tiled!

What is this shit?

Bazooka Jenn is a cool chic and horror fan with a talent for designing kickass film inspired decor! She offers magnets, coasters, and plaques with quotes and art from movies like The Shining, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and American Psycho. Just take a look...

Raise a little hell with these sweet Hellraiser magnets!

Having trouble getting into the holiday spirit? These festive coasters should help!

This would make an awesome plaque for a workspace!

Why should I care about this shit?

There are a couple of reasons you should care. First off, this shit is sturdy, high quality, and handmade. The artwork is sealed to protect it. The plaques come with attached sawtooth hooks. The coasters are cork lined. A lot of time and care goes into each order and the products reflect that. 

Second, this shit is sweet. It's the perfect addition to a horror fan's home. And if you're not much for knick-knacks and decor, the coasters are functional and look awesome!

Third, GIFTS. Seriously, this shit makes awesome gifts. I know that I personally would be thrilled to receive any number of items from Sick and Tiled's shop! I've already purchased gifts for myself and gifted my free sample to a friend. Let me tell you though, it was not easy to part with that sample and I only did it on the condition that I would purchase a replacement for myself!

Lady Terminator, are you just blowing smoke up our asses?

Nope. I genuinely love this shit. I did receive a free sample in exchange for an honest review but prior to that I was already a paying customer! I love decorating my home with things that remind me of the films I adore and Sick and Tiled has some great shit for doing just that!

Here are a few of my own photos:

Look at how much detail goes into even the packaging!

The plaque I gifted my lotion obsessed friend!

The American Werewolf in London coasters I purchased for myself!

Me & my killer coaster!

So how do I get my mitts on some of this fantastic shit?

You've got two choices! 

1. Check out the Sick and Tiled Etsy Shop (here)! If you're going to make a purchase in the next couple of days be sure to take advantage of these savings...

On Thanksgiving (11/27) use code THANKSKILLING2014 to get 20% off your order.

On Black Friday (11/28) receive 15% off everything in the shop.

On Saturday and Sunday (11/29 & 11/30) receive 10% off everything in the shop.

On Cyber Monday (12/1) receive 25% off your order.


2. Check out the Sick and Tiled Redditgifts Shop (here)
And these savings... 

On Black Friday (11/28) get FREE SHIPPING on all sets of 4 coasters (domestic only) or 10% off everything else. 

On Saturday and Sunday (11/29 & 11/30) receive 15% off everything in the shop.

On Cyber Monday (12/1) get 
~40% off coaster sets of 4 or more
~20% off coaster sets of 2 or more
~20% off quote plaques

You can also keep up with new designs, contests and special offers on Facebook and on Twitter!

Sick and Tiled. I like this shit. 

Strangles & Chainsaw Kisses,
~Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Monday, October 27, 2014

Blood Glacier (2013)

Eyeball Treat
: Blood Glacier (2013)

First Time View? Yup!
The Meat of It: The blood glacier looks like a refreshing beverage to local wildlife. The problem is that it contains organisms that take the DNA of the wildlife that drinks it and the DNA of anything in the wildlife's stomach and mixes it up into a creature cocktail.

Some Thoughts: I honestly thought with a title like Blood Glacier that this was going to be some crazy Sharknado-esque, Syfy Channel cheese. I was completely off on this one. It's a bit like The Thing and even a bit like Alien. I mean, don't go into it expecting it to be of the same caliber as those two amazing films. Blood Glacier is good but it's not that good. 

Warning: Since this is a newer movie I tried to go easy on the spoilers but it does contain clips and talk of the movie. So, ya know, keep that in mind. 


Here are five things I love about Blood Glacier:

1. This guy. The imperfect hero. 

He drinks. He smokes. He doesn't wear pants when he goes to work. He's grumpy, grizzled, rude, emotionally damaged and anti-social. But when it comes down to doing what needs to be done, this guy still manages to pull it off. 

2. The isolation.

The isolation in this film is one of the things it has in common with movies like The Thing and Alien. Though not as expertly utilized as those films, it does add another layer to the horror.

 3. The creatures.

I'm a sucker for creatures. And since the plot is set up in such a way that it's like a Mad Libs for creature design it's exactly my kind of film. 

I also like that the film hints at the ideas that mythological creatures like mermaids, wolfmen and even Anubis, the Egyptian jackal-headed god, may have been a reality thanks to those tiny gene laboratories.

4.The banana.

The moment when banana-eater is yelled at is pretty hilarious. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. That scene inspired an entire BuzzFeed post called 7 Crying Scenes Made Better With a Banana.

If you're not too lazy to push play, you should watch the banana moment in action and you'll see what I mean.

5. The ending. 

Oh god. The ending. I don't want to spoil it but it's bizarre and exactly the kind of thing I love! It's taking every ounce of strength I can muster to resist posting spoiler screenshots. I love it so much!


I definitely recommend Blood Glacier! Though I do not recommend watching the dubbed version because the voices just don't sound right at all. If this were a sillier movie, I'd say go ahead but the  goofiness of the dubbing takes away from the atmosphere. Stick to the original German language version and use subtitles if needed.

Until next time...

Deadly Beetle-Fox Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Thursday, October 23, 2014

FleshEater (1988)

AKA Three Drunk Girls Go To The Movies

Eyeball Treat: FleshEater (1988)

First Time View? Yes! And actually, I have not one but TWO special guests on my blog today! And this was a first time view for each of them, too!  

The Meat of It: Bill Hinzman is a cool sonofabitch. 

Even animated Bill is pretty tits.

He just wants to make sure you get your fill of zombies. And awkward makeout scenes. And denim. And tractors. 

Seriously, I love this dude. If you've read my mission statement then you already know just how much I adore filmmakers who disregard any advice that might lead them to rethink their project. I am truly inspired by people who take what someone else might consider a terrible, terrible idea and soldier on until completion. I can now add Bill Hinzman to my list of heroes.

So Who are These Special Guests? I had two fabulous dates for the evening. One is the alluring and talented author, Autumn Christian.  The other is a beautiful Hidden Horror contributor, and one of several bloggers at Dreams in the Bitch House...Fawn Krisenthia. I was surrounded by awesome.

A Little About Our Night: We headed out to the super amazing Terror Tuesday event at The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX where those incredible bastards were showing a rare archival 35 mm print of FleshEater! The Alamo always provides for a perfect viewing experience. Before the feature film there was a pre-show with clips and trailers tailor-made to appeal to the type of crowd that shows up for a film called FleshEater. And one of my favorite parts is when the event host (in the case of Terror Tuesday that would be Joseph A. Ziemba) takes the stage and talks a little about the film we're about to enjoy. Joseph knows his shit. Not only are his intros informative but his enthusiasm is always apparent. And it's contagious. By the time the film is about to roll, I'm always pumped thanks to Joseph! 

Anyway, the reason this post is titled AKA Three Drunk Girls Go To The Movies is because we had some time to kill beforehand. And we killed that time by killing a few drinks.

And then we killed a few more.

After the movie, I asked each of my lovely, drunken friends what their favorite part was. 

 Warning: Beware of Spoily Spoilers.


1. Here is Autumn's favorite part of FleshEater.

Well, not precisely that part. Her exact words were, "When that angel got shot in the face." 

I kinda can't stop watching this.

It was like that part but more facey. Unfortunately, I can't show you a clip of that dude planting a bullet in angel kid's face. It's implied that it's happening but it's all off screen.

What I can show you is the shooter making this face when he does the deed...

Also, a fun fact I learned from IMDb is that the little angel is actually Bill Hinzman's daughter, Heidi. Makes that scene even more special.

2. Here is Fawn's favorite part of FleshEater:

When I asked her, this was her response:

"Hypothesis: Can you eat through denim?"
"Conclusion: YOPE."

And Fawn does have a point. If denim is your thing, this movie will have you creaming in your pants. Your denim pants.

Just look at this rad Denim Dance Party.

Admit it. You totally got a denim boner from watching that. 

And despite all that denim, everyone still ends up like this.

Your precious denim can't save you.

And this girl was on to denim and its false notions of protection. She realized it was nothing but dead weight so she performed a rare maneuver known as The Denim Discard. 

It didn't really help her though since the thing that's even easier to bite through than denim covered skin is skin that's not covered by denim.

3. Here is my favorite part of FleshEater:

This fabulous bit contains two of my favorite things...super lame party scenes and really awkward dance action. I am especially a sucker for these types of scenes when I get the feeling I'm supposed to think this is a super cool party filled with super cool people.

I'm guessing the guy on the right is in costume since he's not wearing denim but it's hard to say for sure.

Actually, I grew up in a small town so this is a fairly accurate depiction of what an epic barn party is like. 

This was my actual quote regarding my favorite scene... "Everything about the rockin' barn dance scene but especially the nose-bite scene."  

So, here's the glorious nose-bite...

One thing's for sure the gore effects are actually pretty decent and definitely a ton of fun!

All Three Drunk Girls Agree:

The Night of the Living Dead "homage" near the end with these two is pretty freaking great. 

And the Tampa Speech? Amazing. 

I wanted to give you a sample of the Tampa Speech but Youtube didn't have an English language version of FleshEater up. But they did have one in Spanish. Though I'm pretty sure she's speaking the universal language of love when she speaks of the heaven known as Tampa.


 FleshEater Ratings:

It appears to be the general consensus among Three Drunk Girls that FleshEater is fantastically fun. Definitely check it out!

Bonus Photo!

After the show, the host was handing out codes for the FleshEater soundtrack. That's just one of the little extra touches that makes coming to the Alamo such a blast. And Joseph was kind enough to pose for a photo!
Lady Terminator (Erika Instead) and Terror Tuesday host, Joseph A. Ziemba.

A big thanks to the Alamo for doing what it does and screening gems like FleshEater!  And thanks to my special guests for joining us today on this denim laden adventure! And if you like strange adventures with a little less denim, be sure to check out Autumn's and Fawn's writing! 

Until next time...

Denim Hugs,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Brain Damage (1988)

Eyeball Treat: Brain Damage (1988)

First Time View? Nope! This was another one I watched with those awesome folks over at Halloween Horror Club!

The Meat of It: Aylmer will get you high but you're going to have to pay him in brains. You won't care though because you'll be too busy enjoying yourself.


Warning: Beware of Spoily Spoilers.


Here are five things I love about Brain Damage:

1. Aylmer. Of course #1 is Aylmer. He's the best thing ever! Just look at that little face!

Here's some more Aylmer because he's awesome.


2. Bathtime:

Screw rubber ducky. Aylmer knows how to make bathtime lots of fun.

3. The Blowjob Scene:

 Feels like ya got a real monster in there.


4. Beverly Bonner

That's Beverly on the left.
I adore her! She only has a small cameo in this one but I love that she's a Henenlotter regular. She has a lot of personality and is always fun even if her screen time is brief.

5. Kevin Van Hentenryck  and the reference to Basket Case:

What's in the basket?
I love Basket Case so I thoroughly enjoyed this little wink from the director!


Bonus Time!

Here's Aylmer's Tune:

And here's me sporting some fangirl stuff I scored at horror conventions:

Aylmer prop from  DWN Productions
Brain Damage skirt from Pretty Spooky Handmade (made from an upcycled Fright Rags t-shirt)

Chillin' with my lil' blue buddy.

Until next time...

Puttin' the Kick in a Chicken,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead