Friday, August 22, 2014

I Drink Your Blood (1970)

I Eat Your Blood But It's Not Really Your Blood, It's Dead Dog Blood And I Didn't Consume It Intentionally Because I Had No Idea You Tainted My Damn Pie

Today we're going to talk about two of the world's biggest threats...rabies and hippies. Fortunately for us, these two dangerous topics are covered quite extensively in the 1970 horror/exploitation flick, I Drink Your Blood.

Before I get started, here are a few warnings:

The following post contains SPOILERS.

The film, I Drink Your Blood, contains rape though the act itself is not actually shown. It also contains one scene with real animal violence (a chicken) and two other scenes with real dead animals (a goat and rats). Unfortunately, on-screen animal deaths are something that occur fairly often in exploitation films. I'm not excusing it and I'm not here to debate whether or not films with real animal violence should be supported/viewed. I just thought I'd give anyone who hasn't seen the film yet a head's up.

So this film, like all cinematic masterpieces, opens with hippie pubes. I realize this photo of a man's groin with a sword in front of it isn't the clearest but that's probably for the best. 

Mr. Gross, you really don't have to try so hard to live up to your name.

The viewer is immediately thrust into a naked, hippie, satanic cult meeting/drug party. If you are not sure you could properly identify a naked, hippie, satanic cult meeting/drug party, for future reference, this is what it looks like...

And Lynn Lowry wasn't even originally supposed to be in this film but the director loved her look so much he stuck her in anyway. Instead of bothering to write her some lines, he just made her character a deaf/mute. But seriously. Look at her! *SWOON*

So these dirty hippies drop acid and proceed to "freak out" for Satan when it's discovered a local girl has been spying on their shenanigans from the bushes. They respond to this invasion of privacy with rape and a beating. 

The next day she stumbles back into town and we're introduced to her little brother, Pete. Pete, with the assistance of the local baker whom he works for, takes the wounded girl home. As you'll soon find out, Pete is pretty awesome. In fact, he's a badass. 

And also a bit of a creeper...

I know what I like. Pete! I like Pete!

Meanwhile, the Satan-mobile has broken down so the hippies decide they're going to find an abandoned house to squat in. They proceed with their satanic hippie antics. Which, of course, involves drugs and violence and an avoidance of soap.

When Pete's grandfather confronts them, they beat him and dose him with acid. This pushes Pete over the edge. He has had enough. He concocts a plan of vengeance that requires him to take the blood of a rabid dog, inject it into meat pies and sell them to the satanic hippies.

You do not fuck with, Pete.
Repeat after me: You do not fuck with Pete.

Because he won't think twice about beating a hippie, even one that outmuscles him...

Or take care of business Old Yeller style...

Do not fuck with him. Or his loved ones.

Are you listening to me? Pete don't play around. He will not hesitate to roofie your pie with rabies. 

The satanic hippies have a lot of nerve brutalizing townsfolk and then showing up to buy food from them. At the very least they're asking for boogers in their pies. Of course, what they end up with is much worse. They wolf down the tainted pies and start to feel sick which leads to my favorite bit of dialog from this movie...


From there, the film evolves into what is essentially a zombie/contagion style story as the infected proceed to rampage, killing and spreading the violent disease along the way. The survivors do their best to try to hold out until they can be rescued. What makes this contagion story so much fun to watch and sets it apart from similar storylines is the sheer ridiculousness of the premise. The rabies virus combined with hard drugs causes "unthinkable complications" which appears to mean Super Rabies. 


At one point, it even gets spread like an STD when a particularly amorous hippie decides to bed an entire construction crew. 

Behold: satanic hippie seduction...

The last 30 minutes of the film is a whole lotta crazy with rabid swordfights, dismemberments, blazing self-immolation, the squirm-worthy fate of a pregnant woman and of course, more of this lovely face...

Overall, I find this film enjoyable and I recommend it despite the dead animal stuff. 

Thanks for joining me!
~Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Uninvited (1988)

This extremely bland title sequence makes me think they blew their creativity wad elsewhere.

I love cats. I love monster movies. I love practical, old school effects...even when they turn out silly. I love flicks with ridiculous covers. Covers like these...

I'm sensing a theme.

So for me, it was hard to ignore the allure of Uninvited (1988). Turns out, we're a match made in heaven. Or more likely, a lab.
The basic gist of this film is that a lab animal—a catescapes the pragmatically named Genetic Laboratory's incredibly unsecured facility. This, of course, is no ordinary cat. It's a poisonous, murderous, genetically mutated cat...the best kind of cat...and it ends up on a yacht where it wreaks monstrous mayhem. What's not to love about that plot?! For the most part, it's a truly fun film to watch. It does have a bit of unnecessary and mildly tedious plot concerning the characters on the boat but the monster kitty scenes make up for any moments that may drag. Trust me on this one.
As proof, here is my selling point...

If that completely unconvincing cat head, barfing up a pissed off mini-critter, doesn't compel you to immediately locate a copy of this film, then I'm guessing Uninvited isn't gonna be yo thang. For those of you who feel that gif is a majestic thing of beauty, you're welcome! 

And here's my obligatory warning:


So, some sciencey guys are sciencing as hard as they can. They decide that the only way they can science any harder is to slice this furball like a loaf of cat-bread.

I can't help but serenade Poison-cat with Alice Cooper's Poison.

Poison-cat is smart enough to know that this procedure isn't going to be terribly beneficial to him so he makes a break for it. This is fairly easy to do since these clowns were too busy sciencing to bother shutting the door. The science guys go into panic mode and trigger the Code Red alert.

They shoot Poison-cat with a tranquilizer and since he's cornered, he's forced to mouth-birth some murder...

Poison-cat manages his escape thanks to a combination of his mutant-murder powers...

...and the fact that "Utterly Incompetent" is a hiring requirement for the security team.

Cats have wings, right?

Then some vaguely interesting stuff happens with some springbreakers and some shady rich guys and they all end up on a yacht together.

Meanwhile, Poison-cat might be a super-hero or an avenging angel. At the very least, a vigilante. Just look at the justice he rains down upon these jagweeds that assaulted and robbed a man.

Poison-cat, in his mutant form, looks like a combination of a mangy whistle pig and a well-loved Chewbacca doll I used to own. And how the hell did that thing fit inside a normal sized cat anyway?  

Eventually, one of the springbreakers discovers Poison-cat and decides he should accompany them on their trip. I'm not sure why since this chic looks like cats confuse her. 

Am I doing this right?

So everyone gets on the party-boat and there's drinking and hump-dancing. Everyone is having a grand ol' 80's time.

That is until Poison-cat starts deadifying people and pulling some sabotage shit that causes the yacht to overheat.

At one point, one of the college kids does some science with a sextant he uses as a microscope. Vaguely sciencey things are said as it is determined that the cat's blood is poisonous and its bite is deadly.

I know, guy, I know. I find it incredulous, too.

Poison-cat continues his bitey spree. Though, in general, his attacks are either provoked or aimed at people who are "bad". Most of the time, Poison-cat has a pretty decent sense of justice. Except when he contaminated the food supply. That was just a dick-move.

The remainder of the film is a bunch of kickass stuff like this...

This movie really is a blast to watch! So invite over some friends and put on Uninvited!

Until next time...

Poison Nibbles, 

Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead