Friday, September 19, 2014

Strays (1991)



Am I still on a melty, body horror kick? Yes. Yes, I am. But I decided to break it up with a bit of killer kitty horror. Why? Because KILLER KITTIES. That's why. So, I gave the 1991 made-for-TV movie, Strays a shot. Did I pick a winner? Well, it's not the ultimate killer kitty flick. And it's definitely no Uninvited. But if you enjoy the silliness that is pretty much unavoidable with the very premise of murderous cats, then it's certainly worth a peek.

The movie opens with some cat-vision perspective shots that lead us to this awesome cat lady. 


Behold my role model.

Wait. Why do cat ladies get a bad rap? She's napping with her alcohol and has a house full of furry friends. Sounds to me like she's doing life right!



Happiness.


For some reason Cat Lady stores her supply of canned cat food in the basement. Interesting choice given she lives alone in a giant two story house. She could very easily have dedicated one entire room to cat food storage and saved herself from having to trek outside and around to the dark basement. Now that I think about it, I suspect she wasn't really bringing her A game to the cat lady lifestyle.




And maybe if she had, she'd have never endured that fateful trip to the basement. The one in which she is attacked by an "unknown creature". (Hint. Hint. The movie is called Strays.) Sadly, this is the end of our cat lady. And the beginning of our journey with these twats...






Let's play detective for a minute. The dude must be an important businessman because he's wearing a tie (lawyer) and the chic is in a goofy hat so you know she's an artsy, creative type (writer). The kid? Well, I'm not sure what her outfit says about her.


That. Maybe, that.

The Twat Family is looking for a house away from the corruption of the city so as to give Shitty Pants a wholesome upbringing. Lucky for them, Goofy Hat's sister is in real estate and shows them Cat Lady's now vacated house.



This movie only wishes it was The Amityville Horror.


Tie Guy caves in to his wife, despite his reluctance, and soon enough they're shacking up in the Cat Cave.

They quickly learn that everything isn't perfect in their new home. Their telephone lines are chewed to shit and there's a wee bit of a rat problem. Also, there are kamikaze cats.



It's raining cats.



We finally get to see the mysterious and vicious creature that took out Cat Lady about a half hour in, when the Telephone Repair Dude is in the basement.



This is what they refer to as "method acting".


This kitty's not cute and cuddly like the other strays. This one's rockin' the Church from Pet Sematary look. That's one pissed pussy. So, needless to say, Telephone Guy is screwed.

And then there's the rest of the cats who are pretty much phoning it in. This is what passes for "menacing". Just look at this bullshit...





And this? This is "attacking"...


Amateurs. Nothin' but amateurs.


It's like they're not even trying.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the Twat Family wakes up to this...






It's difficult to tell in that shitty photo so I took the liberty of highlighting the yellowy splotches on their bedding. Apparently the leader of the strays had a pee party all over them while they were sleeping. I don't even know how you sleep through that. They may want to lay off the NyQuil.

And the pee party wasn't just confined to the bed. Nuh-uh. This cat is the Andrew W.K. of pee parties.



He's also hung like a fire hose. A fire hose filled with pee.



The cat or cats also roughed up Twat Family's dog. They call in a vet. He thinks they're twats, too.






He also lets them know what he suspects is to blame for some of their problems...






Now, if you've managed to tolerate the Twat Family long enough to make it to the 50 minute mark, you're about to get your pay off. Shit gets real when the kitties decide to practice some extreme snuggling with Shitty Pants.






That lady's face is great. I'm especially fond of it when she bashes it with a cat.






It turns out the kitties' snuggle sonar was a bit off because somehow Shitty Pants has magically teleported her toddler butt out of her crib and into the closet where she's refusing to cooperate.



I can haz snugglez?


Goofy Hat uses her mom powers to rescue Shitty Pants and they barricade themselves in another room. But if nothing else, the ferals are go-getters and it only takes them a matter of seconds to begin turning the door into woodchips.




There are several more cat confrontations in which Feral Cat looks pretty grumpy and the rest of the cats just look adorable. At one point, the cats even take a hostage...




Goddamit, Shitty Pants. How do you get yourself into these messes?


I'm not going to reveal how the final showdown plays out or who bites the big one but I am going to spoil the very last shot because it's hilarious in its attempt to be foreboding...






Gah! TOO MUCH CUTE!

So for its positives, Strays has quite a few unintentionally humorous moments and it has adorable cats. Its negatives can pretty much all be chalked up to its made-for-TVness. It is a little slow, it only has three deaths (one of which is mostly off screen) and aside from a teensy weensy bit of blood, there's no gore and grue. I personally found it worth a watch but I'm not sure how often I'd revisit this one if ever. This movie should be reserved for special people. Very special people.






Thanks for joining me! Until next time...

Bites and Hisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead




Friday, September 12, 2014

Slime City (1988)




Apparently the last movie I reviewed, Body Melt, put me in the mood to see more people dissolve into goo-puddles. I decided it was time to give the awesomely sloshy, goopfest, Slime City (1988) a watch. This was a first time view for me and what can I say? I had a hankerin' for a deliciously sloppy time and Slime City certainly delivered the fluids.

Warning: Thar be spoilers ahead!

This flick begins with Smug Art Guy thinking if he gets his own place, he can get his prude of a girlfriend to finally give it up and bang him. He's disappointed to discover that his new apartment isn't the magic key that unlocks her vagina. His artwork is also not the vaginal key.



Sex Magnet


He's under the impression that his new building is crammed full of old so there's no chance he'll just be able to appease his sexual appetites with some young and conveniently located strange. But then this big haired vision of 80's eyeshadowed beauty floats down from the heavens and gets him all riled up in the pantszone.



I crowd-sourced on facebook for what kind of music she listens to and Krell Laboratories had the winning suggestion!


Smug Art Guy doesn't immediately hook up with Big Hair but you know it's inevitable. This was the 80's after all and it would have been impossible to turn down hair action as seductive and wanton as that. Plus, look at the way this smokin' hot babe dresses! It's enough to give anyone an 80's boner. MEOW!





Yeah, sure beats my sloppy sweats and t-shirt.

And look at the way she slinks back into her apartment.





Pure sex.

In fact, I've been studying this move and it's how I'm going to enter my home from here on out. It may not be practical but it more than pays off in the coolness department.


So Smug Art Guy also meets another young resident, a poet with Duran Duran hair.






He's also hungry for dinner and invites Smug Art over for some grub which turns out to be delicious, vegetarian... pistachio pudding?





Mmm...a balanced meal! Just like Mom used to make! Actually, this is what Duran Duran tells his dinner guest they're having. Push play. It's funny.




In case you didn't bother to push play because you don't take orders from some blogger chic, he says it's "Himalayan yogurt". I just like the way he says it and you missed out, pal.

Duran Duran and Smug Art pair their fine dining with some mysterious alcohol and the next thing you know, Smug Art is drunk/high/hallucinating and sniffin' around Big Hair's fancy apartment looking for some sweet, sweet Aqua-Netted poon.





They bump uglies. And Smug Art wakes up the next day to some hardcore snail trails.






Might have overdone it with the KY. Scale it back a bit next time, 'kay.

Despite his sticky problem, Smug Art decides to brave the outside world and stop at a diner for a refreshing beverage. You know, like you do when you're hung over and oozing ridiculous amounts of mysterious mucousy shit.

His condition continues to worsen.






That is until he wrecks a homeless dude and discovers it miraculously puts a halt to his nasty skin condition.





Better than ointments and antibiotics!

Life continues to get weird for Smug Art. He needs to keep murdering to keep the liquification problem at bay and "appease the slime".  His new, unorthodox, health regimen causes him to have to distance himself from his girlfriend and friends..er...friend. 

He also discovers the dirty secret the residents of the building have been keeping. Here's a little tidbit. I love this line...



(Language Warning)


Another highlight of this film is Big Hair's dance moves. Or dance move. I call it The Windmill.





I think it's her signature move.




Mesmerizing. Seductive.




She's nailing it. So hard.

Another favorite scene has some thugs trying to rob Smug Art despite the fact that he looks gravely ill and they have no idea if he's contagious. Obviously, it's not going to go well, since we know Smug Art has a teensy weensy killing problem. But there's an unexpected physical side effect of the Himalayan yogurt. One that makes this scene especially fun. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. And it's awesome. Too awesome to reveal here.

But get this. While mugger is gettin' his comeuppance...





This is what his "friends" look like as they watch their buddy get dismembered by a slimy freak...





I'm pretty sure that guy on the right never really liked him all that much.


Now the most important thing about this movie is the last 10 minutes. It's totally insane, off-the-wall and super fun in all the ways you want a movie like this to be. Full of splattery special effects, hilarious lines and an antagonist that just won't die.


Here's a little taste of what you'll get...









Oh, and never fear. That's not the end. No sirree. The slime can not be so easily defeated with a simple decapitation. Nuh-uh. The ending is so much more than that. You should watch it. I mean, look at my rating.






 You can't argue with that. Looks like it's your turn to give Slime City a watch...





Thanks for stopping by! Until next time...

Slimy Hugs and Big Haired Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead




Thursday, September 4, 2014

Knoxville Horror Film Festival: I LIKE THAT SHIT



 
Today I'm going to try something new here and instead of a movie review I'm going to tell you about some shit I like. 

Today's lucky shit is...the Knoxville Horror Film Festival (KHFF).


What is this shit?

It's a horror film festival. Did you not figure that out from the name? Oh, you did? Well, smartypants, did you know that it's more than just a festival that falls on one weekend every October? The folks at KHFF put on events all year round. Typically once a month. KHFF is a horror community and not just an annual gathering. 


When is this shit?

This year's previously mentioned main event is the 6th annual celebration and it falls on the weekend of Oct. 24-26 (2014). The smaller events happen throughout the year and are announced on the KHFF website and facebook page. So keep an eye out for that shit. 


Where is this shit?

Knoxville, TN

Specifically, this year's annual film fest is held at Regal Downtown West and Market Square’s Scruffy City Hall.


Why should I care about this shit?

Because this shit is straight up FUN. Knoxville Horror Film Festival's events are always packed with enthusiastic horror fans geeking out together, fantastic films, and fun thematic extras. These folks love horror and it definitely shows. 

The lineup for this year's 6th Annual Film Fest is pretty sweet and includes some feature films that I'm personally pretty stoked about:

Suburban Gothic
V/H/S Viral
The ABCs of Death 2
Housebound
The Editor
Soulmate
Bloody Knuckles

Another big draw for this festival is the Grindhouse Grind-Out Filmmaking Contest. The Grind-Out consists of two dozen teams competing to create the best, over-the-top, faux movie trailer in an assigned genre style. Previous genre styles have included puppetsploitation, blaxploitation, and sharksploitation. And though he will not be in attendance, this year's competition will have a special guest judge...Troma's Lloyd Kaufman!

Check out the winning trailers from the last couple of years and tell me you don't think this is the shit.

2013 Winner: Curse of the Were-Clown

2012 Winner: Cannibal Santa

In addition to all the fun shit I've already mentioned, there will also be themed short films, an award ceremony and a costume party.

 

Lady Terminator, are you just blowing smoke up our asses?

Nope. I genuinely love this shit. I've attended KHFF events and have always had a blast. I'm usually having too much fun and/or too busy watching movies to document the occasion with photos but here's a bit of proof I scrounged up. 


Window display photo op at the screening of Maniac (2012).


Knoxville Horror Film Fest IV screening of John Dies at the End



Photo op with Slasher Santa at the 2012 Xmas Party/screening of Silent Night.



I lost half my face at the Zombie Movie Marathon (a KHFF/Ijams Nature Center collaboration).


So how do I get in on this shit?

I can't recommend their events highly enough! If you're thinking of attending this year's 3 day film festival, consider purchasing your tickets at a discounted price in advance through their IndieGoGo campaign which runs until Sept. 30. You can also pick up some kickass KHFF merch and show your support for this killer event! 


Knoxville Horror Film Festival. I like this shit. 


Strangles & Chainsaw Kisses,
~Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead


Monday, September 1, 2014

Body Melt (1993)




Today's gem is the 1993, over-the-top, Ozploitation, splatter flick, Body Melt.

And you know the drill...SPOILERS AHEAD!

The movie opens with a commercial for a "health farm" called Vimuville where its clients are given the tools and perfect environment with which to improve their health and well-being. But it turns out, the Vimuville crowd likes to party...







And there are some shady dealings happening over at Vimuville involving some unwitting test subjects in the cul-de-sac community of Pebbles Court. One of their science guys stumbles across this unethical testing and is less than pleased so he goes rogue. Only too bad he doesn't have sneaky ninja skills because the Vimuville folks are on to him and attempt to stop him by giving him an overdose of one of their specialty drugs.

As a result, he begins to show some pretty bizarre symptoms.




Always a good idea to keep your gaping neck wounds clean.




We also get a little tidbit of what Science Guy has uncovered.

"The first phase is hallucinogenic...the second phase is glandular...the third phase is...ARG!"

Here. It's more fun when he says it...






See. I told you so.

And then he crashes his car into Pebbles Court and this happens...





Oh, my. That's no good. Are his mutated organs crawling out his neck slit to tickle his face?

Well, obviously, Science Guy's not walkin' away from that weird, spaghetti-mess-looking-bullshit which means he failed his mission to alert the Pebbles Court residents of the imminent danger. The film then proceeds to follow the residents/guinea pigs as they experience the effects of the evil Vimuville's illicit experiments. Lots of batshit insane things happen (which I just assume is normal for Australia) and since the first stage is hallucinogenic, we're left with unreliable narrative. We're taken on a ride back and forth between horrifying reality and wild delusions. 

Two of the young dudes from Pebbles Court are on their way to "donate sperm" at the Vimuville health farm. Not only do they get lost but their windshield is all of a sudden broken.





And they end up asking for directions at some weird ass place with these messed up motherfuckers...




And so does he. And so does she. Purty mouths all around!


Even their bird is weird.


These fine folks like to kill kangaroos so they can get high on their adrenal glands. They also enjoy decorating with stuffed animals, giving "love bites", and watching porn with their three-legged dog. Needless to say, things don't go well for the young men of Pebbles Court.

And then there's the pregnant woman from Pebbles Court whose placenta detaches and starts slithering about the house in attack mode.












Did a dingo steal her baby? With this movie, it's hard to say.

We also have the lucky Pebbles Court resident who picks up this chic...






 Who proceeds to give him a rib job. No. Not a rim job. A RIB job.






And then there's a whole family of Pebbles Court puds who go on a vacation to the Vimuville Health Farm. Here's the parents...
 


They know how to rock the spandex and culottes.



And, of course, things don't go well for the Pud Family at the Health Farm.










Oh, and did I mention these guys work at Vimuville?



That's right. It's my blog. I'll make outdated references that none of the youngins will get if I want to!




And one of them has a serious wiener problem...






So, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, the point of this movie isn't plot and coherency. It's fun visuals, gross and creative deaths, and overall strangeness.





I'm going to leave you with these parting words from Crazy Outback Guy that pretty much sum up this movie...





Thanks for joining me!

~Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead