Sunday, December 28, 2014

Mutantis (2014)

Eyeball Treat: Mutantis (2014)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, Danger_Slater! If you're a regular around these parts, you'll recognize him from this post on Street Trash. To refresh your probably not-so-fresh memory, this is Danger...

He's a witty bastard and when he's not adventuring on his trusty tapir, he puts words to paper. Sometimes those words involve Will Smith having cock-hands. You can check out some of those words here


The Meat of Mutantis: There is something in the woods having murdery, sexy times with hippies. This is not as groovy as it may sound.

And just a friendly reminder, we tried to go easy on the spoilers since this is a new release but keep in mind that you're taking a risk whenever you read about a movie you have yet to see. 

Also, there are pictures of mutant monster genitalia so maybe don't read this post in the company of anyone who might not dig creature junk. 


Having said that, here are five things Danger_Slater loved about Mutantis

1.  Ben Franklin Guy

So Ben Franklin Guy is the dad in the movie. His name isn't actually Ben Franklin Guy. I think his name is Father Joy, which is pretty much just as weird as if it were Ben Franklin Guy. I'd like to think the filmmakers made him look like Ben Franklin on purpose as a tribute to the esoteric Founding Father, but I think the weird costume was just to mask the fact that they would randomly switch between two actors playing the same role.

Believe it or not, that's three different guys.

In addition to evoking all sorts of patriotic American pride in me, Ben Franklin Guy is also trying to have sex with his daughter, like, THE WHOLE TIME, which I assume is true of the real Uncle Ben too. 

Bad touch.

Wait, do people refer to Ben Franklin as Uncle Ben? I'm confusing myself now. 

2. Hippie Dance Party

So about 20 minutes into this film, the main characters bump into some hippies doing some hippie shit in the woods. Communing with nature and smoking drugs, or whatever the fuck. The nerdy chick wants to get 'groovy' which sounds sexy, but it mostly just involves a lot of bad dancing. 

"But Dennis, I want to be groovy."

Haha. I'm actually watching this scene again as I write this and it's fucking cracking me up. The dialogue in this movie is so silly. I'm getting off track here. Let me recalibrate. I'm here to talk about hippies dancing. 

The 'dance party' is such a weird trope in low-budget movies. It happens in pretty much every single one I can think of. Try to think of a low-budget movie that doesn't have a dance scene. I bet you can't, can you?

3. Mustaches Everywhere

Nearly every male character in this movie had a mustache. This might be the most mustachey movie of all time! 

Even Ben Franklin Guy has a mustache, which as you well know, is not true of the actual Ben Franklin. This movie is literally rewriting HISTORY! 

Shit, there's even a girl in this movie with a mustache. 

I found that really confusing to my masculinity. I think it might've even turned me gay. Let me check......................................................................................................................................................................................
.................nope. Still into camels. Oh, have I mentioned that I'm only sexually attracted to camels?

4. Bad Acid Trips, Man! 

OH SHIT! We took some weird acid! Or maybe it was just a joint. But these are movie drugs, so marijuana makes you see SATAN because we're getting far-out! I don't know what I'm talking about. But don't you just hate it when you've finished your hippie woods dance party and all you want to do is relax with a nice bone and all of a sudden the music starts playing backwards and pentagrams start floating in front of your eyes and the silhouette of The Beast starts trying to stab a dagger through you in some sorta ritualistic blood sacrifice? 

Me too. 

And whoever is playing Satan in this movie is my new fucking hero. 

He kinda looked like a version of my good friend Shawn, which made me miss Shawn because he lives all the way in San Francisco. Thank you, Mutantis, for reminding me to call him.

5. Mutantis's Pussy

The feather pubes are a nice touch.

Yes, Mutantis has a pussy. And inside Mutantis's pussy is a cock.

Mutantis sticks it to the establishment.

And Mutantis uses its pussycock to have non-consensual sex with pretty much every person it comes across. Or should I say 'cums' across. Hahaha. I just made a pun! I'm hilarious! So yeah, this monster-thing is the centerpiece for this whole film. 

And it's weird and gross and vile and funny all at the same time. I could watch Mutantis mate all day long. I think I learned more about reproduction from watching this movie than I did in 8 years of health class in school. Shit, why do they even bother teaching sex-ed OR American History when they can just show this film? Ben Franklin Guy is in it anyway. That's all the history I need.

And that concludes Danger_Slater's portion of this post! Thanks Danger!  

I've got to say Danger did a bang up job covering some of the fun that Mutantis has to offer. I was going to offer up the five things that I love about Mutantis but then I started to worry that perhaps we'd be giving away too many of its delicious secrets. I mean, we did give you pussycock! Though it is my hope that pussycock is less of a spoiler and more of an enticement. If you didn't have a reason to see Mutantis before, you sure do now!

Anyway, I think I'm going to leave my five things up to your imagination. What's that you say? You aren't feeling very imaginative? Fine. My five things are this picture of Mutantis's pussycock.

Wait. Actually, I do have two things I want to talk about. So I lied. Whatever. You got an extra dose of extra FIVE doses... so you've got nothing to complain about.

First, I want to talk about this guy.

That would be The Fruit Stand Clerk. His name is Mark Leake
and he also wrote and produced Mutantis. Turns out I actually met this dude back in 2007 at  HorrorFind Weekend.

Lady Terminator and Mark Leake 2007

Apparently, I asked him to pose for a photo and then waited 7 years before I bothered to watch any of his films. I think that makes me kind of a dick. Still, it was kind of cool to watch the movie and be like, "Hey! I met that guy!" Small world!

The second thing I want to talk about is this guy.

That's Ol' Jonah played by the captivating Gary Brown

And guess what, I met that guy, too! 

That's Lady T with G. (He's sportin' the Pee Baby shirt.) The dude behind me is Shamus McCarty, owner/operator of Rooster Republic Press.

Oh, hey! Turns out Danger also met G! 

Here's G wearing a museum quality replica of the face in Munch's The Scream while singing Ratt's Round and Round with Danger. Really. That's what's happening here.

Ya see, G is also a part of the bizarro/indie publishing scene and all three of us met up at BizarroCon. He's the one who put a copy of Mutantis in my hands. Thanks, G
So after all this rambling, lets get to the point. This is where Danger and I stand on the issue of Mutantis.


So what did we learn today, kiddos?

1. Mutantis is sexually liberated. Mutantis is ready to make it anywhere at anytime. 

2. If you like your entertainment low-budget, ridiculous, over the top and full of monster sex, you're going to want to check out Mutantis. You can pick up a copy on Amazon or rent it here. Unless you're the establishment. Then it's probably not your thing. 


Until next time...

Stay Groovy,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead