Six-String Samurai (1998)

The Meat of Six-String Samurai (1998): Buddy just wants to be king but an orphaned kid, roving gangs of the wasteland, and Death himself aren't going to make this easy.

Lady Terminator's Special Guest: Author and editor, John Bruni! This dude writes the shit out of strange fiction. 
 

Available on Amazon

And when he's not getting his own writing out there, he's editing pieces for StrangeHouse Books and their monster erotica imprint, MonstErection Publishing. Check out John's blog Tabard Inn: Tales of Questionable Taste to read some of his stories and to keep up with his projects!


And now here's John with 5 things he loves about Six-String Samurai. As always, be forewarned. Mild spoilers may lurk ahead!

Back when I was in college, I watched a lot of late night Skinemax. No, not for the purpose of seeing softcore porn, although I wouldn't turn away from it if I found it. No, occasionally they played oddball movies you wouldn't be able to find anywhere else. It's where I saw Cannibal: The Musical for the first time, and this was before South Park was a show. In fact, they played a lot of Troma movies back then, which is how I saw Terror Firmer for the first time. 

Howerever, the night I stumbled upon Six-String Samurai changed my life. I was consuming a lot of bizarro work back then, in ye olde days before they had a name for the genre, when guys like Joe R. Lansdale were putting out the weirdest stories available. Six-String Samurai was the king of all bizarro cinema back then, and it hit me in just the right part of my mind at just the right time. I have yet to see anything like it, and as a result, it is one of my favorite movies of all time. 

I know this blog is more about horror than bizarro, but rest assured: this movie contains enough horror elements to qualify, as one of the villains will attest. Also, there is a sequence that happens in Hell (or at least the afterlife). Here are a few things I truly enjoy about this movie.


1. The Setting




This movie is technically alternate reality science fiction. The point of divergence with our reality? In 1957, the USSR nuked the fuck out of the US and took over everything except for Lost Vegas, "the last bastion of freedom" where Elvis Presley reigns as king.

Fast forward forty years, and Elvis has died. Now, every guitar-slinging swordsman wants the crown. Let the competition begin!

2. The Hero

The Six-String Samurai in question is a guy named Buddy, who looks suspiciously like Buddy Holly. 

Hell, they even call him Buddy, although a last name is never mentioned. He is the Clint Eastwood-ish anti-hero of our story. He's a warrior guitarist who has a habit of saying "swell" whenever something happens that he doesn't like. (That's more of a Dirty Harry thing than a Man with No Name thing, but still.)




He would have been at home in a Sergio Leone western or any number of kung fu classics. All he wants to do is get to Vegas and win the crown, but when he unintentionally rescues a kid from Death, he finds himself learning how to care for others, a necessary quality for a good king to have. 



3. The Tone

This movie is shot like a spaghetti western, which makes sense since the first such western, A Fistful of Dollars, was inspired by a Japanese samurai movie called Yojimbo. 




Except here, the Ennio Morricone score has been replaced by rock 'n' roll tunes. 

Plus, there's a reference to Clint early in the movie when a character who looks and sounds a lot like him shows up at a gas station/bar and accidentally sets himself on fire. 

4. The Villain

You can't get any better than Death himself. He's a contender for the throne, and he spends most of the movie killing other guitarist warriors. The fact that he looks like Slash is even more awesome, and you never see his face...

  

...except for in brief moments when all you can see is a skull.





5. Buddy's Encounters

To describe the things Buddy and the kid have to go through to get to Lost Vegas would be an act of madness. It's all so over the top, it's insane. It's bizarro. 

The first group of bad guys is made up of bowling enthusiasts. They dress in bowling shirts and carry around ball-bags; inside of each is a mace and a bowling pin dagger.






In the background, you can see the Red Elvises, a rock 'n' roll group of Elvis impersonating Russians who want Buddy's guitar (and, of course, the throne). 

You'll also see quite a few Mad Max-esque headbangers who catapult gumballs at their enemies. 

And then there are the Windmill People who dress in astronaut suits and worship an underground machine gone mad. 

The Red Army puts in a slightly racist appearance, as they fill in the role of the Native American in this insane western/kung fu extravaganza. 

But none of these villains can hold a candle to the cannibal family who live their lives as if they were the Cleavers from Leave It to Beaver. 





This family alone is worth the price of admission. Although I'm pretty sure I did a good job of enticing you. If you like bizarro, you should not miss this movie.  



What does Lady Terminator think?

Oh, man. This movie is fantastic. It's just my kind of strange, it has a great soundtrack and the visuals are gorgeous. They really milked these desolate locations for some tasty eye candy. I'm just going to let these amazing images do the talking...

The Final Tallies?

What we learned today:

1. Six-String Samurai is a beautifully bizarre film and totally worth your time. 

2. John Bruni is also beautifully bizarre and his books are totally worth your time.  (You can pick some up here.)


Until next time...

Stay Swell,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Nightbreed (1990)

Eyeball Treat: Nightbreed (1990)

View #6 First Time View? Nuh-uh. But it was a virgin viewing for my movie watching partner!
 
The Meat of It: Midian is where the monsters live. Also, monsters are the shit.

Here are five things I love about Nightbreed:


1. Monsters:

Wait. Midian is where the monsters live. How is this the first creature Boone sees there?! Despite its ridiculous adorableness and Precious Moments eyes, it still manages to scare the shit out of him.

Puppy kisses: the stuff of nightmares.

Let's try this again. 


2. Monsters:

No. No. No. That's Oliver Parker. He's not a monster. At least I don't think he is. I mean, I don't know the guy but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. But holy hell, that innocuous looking mug transforms into this...

The ever hungry Peloquin.

That dude is terrifying and has a pretty persistent craving for meat. People meat. And he gets my favorite bit of dialog from the film...

3. Monsters:



That's Babette. She's like the weirdly adorable offspring of Mac from Mac and Me and one of those fucked up hairless cats. 

I love her. And I want to slather her in sunscreen. 


4. Monsters:

Sexy, sexy monsters.

That erotic bit of strangeness is the deadly Shuna Sassi. She's pretty amazing.


5. Monsters:

David Cronenberg

I love the hell out of this guy's films but there's something about the way he talks and his facial expressions that freak me out. Plus, his character is the most monstrous of them all.

Bonus Monster #1:

What happens when you take Littlefoot from The Land Before Time and throw him in a blender with a vintage E.T. doll?

 This. This is what happens.

 

Bonus Monster #2:

How about if we take Kuato from Total Recall and let him hump on our dinner?

Let's do the math. The monster math.

 

So, if you couldn't tell, I'm a big fan of monsters. My heart belongs to Midian. 

Until next time...

Monster Smooches,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Candyman (1992)

Eyeball Treat:  Candyman (1992)

First Time View? Nope!

The Meat of It: A mob of racists use a rusty saw and some angry bees to permanently cock block a dude. But the joke's on them because now he's eternal and he's got a hook he's itching to put to use.

Here are five things I love about Candyman:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. I want to tell you something first. I don't always watch horror movies in the isolation of my cave. Sometimes I actually do it in the company of others. And sometimes we drink. This tends to lead to lots of silliness and some barely legible notes with which to assist me in writing my blog post. Sometimes those scratchings have a strange sort of unintentional beauty to them. Because my alcohol infused handwriting is difficult to read, I've taken the liberty of transcribing them for you.

So here are the five things I love about Candyman...in drunken poetry form:

What does that even mean? Lady Terminator, you're drunk. Go home. 

Now, now. Settle down. Here. Let me show you what I'm talking about.


1. The Purple Gang:

I *heart* these guys so much. They're all wearing purple. Every single one of these hard asses. Even that guy in the photo that you look at and think he's not wearing purple. Well, he is. He's rockin' purple pants. And don't even get me started on the purple beret and the teal accents. I'm just sayin', it's a really interesting choice for a gang look. I respect that.



2. Graffiti Mouth: 

That shot is just straight-up bitchin'. Not only does it look super cool but I also really dig the way the story connects the ideas of art. Daniel Robitaille AKA Candyman, was a talented portrait artist and here is his portrait immortalized in modern day graffiti art. I also like that a major theme of the film is storytelling. Helen is interested in stories, specifically urban legends which are generally passed on in an oral tradition. This image of Helen stepping forth from the mouth of Candyman foreshadows her fate. Brilliant!


3. We hear ya lookin' for Candyman, bitch.

Is it just me or is that scene not hilarious? Actually, I know it's not just me because that was my movie viewing buddy's favorite part of the movie. And for the most part, Candyman is not a funny movie. But that scene? There's something in that line delivery that makes us laugh!



4. Her pants are terrible. 

These pants said, "Be my victim," and Helen said, "Okie dokie!" And although Virginia Madsen is a gorgeous woman, even she can't make these awful pleat-waisted, ankle-pegged, mom-style monstrosities look decent. In fact, her early 90's wardrobe is pretty terrible all around. So why is this something I love about Candyman? It wasn't just the alcohol talking when I jotted that down. I really, truly, love horrible and dated fashion. I don't want to wear those green nightmares but I find them oddly charming on Helen. 


5. Mouth of bees: 

Oh, holy hell. Tony Todd has real live bees in his mouth. They even crawl over his eye at one point. And I don't care that they used young bees that are less dangerous cuz BEES.



And the following image has nothing to do with Candyman but I stumbled across it when I was looking for that GIF from The Wicker Man. And I figured if this image is going to be forever burned in my brain, it's going to be burned in yours, too. You're welcome.

Source: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/SixRoller/blog

Anyway, that whole bee scene is pretty amazing and totally freaky. Kudos to Tony and Virginia (who is allergic to bees) for making it through it without pooping his/her pants. At least I don't think either of them did. But if it happened, I wouldn't hold it against either of them. 

Bonus: Nipples

Okay, so I realize you get to see Virginia Madsen's bewbs. But the ones I felt make for a better bonus are Stacey's (Carolyn Lowry). Not because they're better chesticles but because of the way they're put on display. Sure we don't actually get to see them uncovered but the fact that she's wearing a very sheer shirt and no bra in what appears to be just a casual, every day, Stacey-outfit is pretty strange and definitely hot. 

Almost makes me forgive the 90's mom jeans. Almost.

Also, check out that gratuitous giant paper clip shot. Pretty sweet, right?

So that concludes the Lady Terminator Drunken Notes Translation. And honestly, despite my snarky little jokes, Candyman really is a solid film.

Oh! And here's a bonus bonus:

 

Sweets for the sweet.

I was lucky enough to meet Tony Todd at HorrorHound Weekend in 2013. I didn't want to talk to Tony about Candyman, even though I love the movie, because I figured he must hear that a million times a day when he's doing the con circuit. Instead, I ended up talking to him about dildos thanks to a Murder-Set-Pieces question. It was...surreal, to say the least. 

Until next time...

Be My Victim,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Strays (1991)

Am I still on a melty, body horror kick? Yes. Yes, I am. But I decided to break it up with a bit of killer kitty horror. Why? Because KILLER KITTIES. That's why. So, I gave the 1991 made-for-TV movie, Strays a shot. Did I pick a winner? Well, it's not the ultimate killer kitty flick. And it's definitely no Uninvited. But if you enjoy the silliness that is pretty much unavoidable with the very premise of murderous cats, then it's certainly worth a peek.

The movie opens with some cat-vision perspective shots that lead us to this awesome cat lady. 

Behold my role model.

Wait. Why do cat ladies get a bad rap? She's napping with her alcohol and has a house full of furry friends. Sounds to me like she's doing life right!

Happiness.

For some reason Cat Lady stores her supply of canned cat food in the basement. Interesting choice given she lives alone in a giant two story house. She could very easily have dedicated one entire room to cat food storage and saved herself from having to trek outside and around to the dark basement. Now that I think about it, I suspect she wasn't really bringing her A game to the cat lady lifestyle.

And maybe if she had, she'd have never endured that fateful trip to the basement. The one in which she is attacked by an "unknown creature". (Hint. Hint. The movie is called Strays.) Sadly, this is the end of our cat lady. And the beginning of our journey with these twats...

Let's play detective for a minute. The dude must be an important businessman because he's wearing a tie (lawyer) and the chic is in a goofy hat so you know she's an artsy, creative type (writer). The kid? Well, I'm not sure what her outfit says about her.

That. Maybe, that.

The Twat Family is looking for a house away from the corruption of the city so as to give Shitty Pants a wholesome upbringing. Lucky for them, Goofy Hat's sister is in real estate and shows them Cat Lady's now vacated house.

This movie only wishes it was The Amityville Horror.

Tie Guy caves in to his wife, despite his reluctance, and soon enough they're shacking up in the Cat Cave.

They quickly learn that everything isn't perfect in their new home. Their telephone lines are chewed to shit and there's a wee bit of a rat problem. Also, there are kamikaze cats.

It's raining cats.

We finally get to see the mysterious and vicious creature that took out Cat Lady about a half hour in, when the Telephone Repair Dude is in the basement.

This is what they refer to as "method acting".

This kitty's not cute and cuddly like the other strays. This one's rockin' the Church from Pet Sematary look. That's one pissed pussy. So, needless to say, Telephone Guy is screwed.

And then there's the rest of the cats who are pretty much phoning it in. This is what passes for "menacing". Just look at this bullshit...





And this? This is "attacking"...

Amateurs. Nothin' but amateurs.

It's like they're not even trying.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the Twat Family wakes up to this...

It's difficult to tell in that shitty photo so I took the liberty of highlighting the yellowy splotches on their bedding. Apparently the leader of the strays had a pee party all over them while they were sleeping. I don't even know how you sleep through that. They may want to lay off the NyQuil.

And the pee party wasn't just confined to the bed. Nuh-uh. This cat is the Andrew W.K. of pee parties.

He's also hung like a fire hose. A fire hose filled with pee.

The cat or cats also roughed up Twat Family's dog. They call in a vet. He thinks they're twats, too.

He also lets them know what he suspects is to blame for some of their problems...

Now, if you've managed to tolerate the Twat Family long enough to make it to the 50 minute mark, you're about to get your pay off. Shit gets real when the kitties decide to practice some extreme snuggling with Shitty Pants.






That lady's face is great. I'm especially fond of it when she bashes it with a cat.






It turns out the kitties' snuggle sonar was a bit off because somehow Shitty Pants has magically teleported her toddler butt out of her crib and into the closet where she's refusing to cooperate.

I can haz snugglez?

Goofy Hat uses her mom powers to rescue Shitty Pants and they barricade themselves in another room. But if nothing else, the ferals are go-getters and it only takes them a matter of seconds to begin turning the door into woodchips.

Here's Johnny!

There are several more cat confrontations in which Feral Cat looks pretty grumpy and the rest of the cats just look adorable. At one point, the cats even take a hostage...

Goddamit, Shitty Pants. How do you get yourself into these messes?

I'm not going to reveal how the final showdown plays out or who bites the big one but I am going to spoil the very last shot because it's hilarious in its attempt to be foreboding...

Gah! TOO MUCH CUTE!

So for its positives, Strays has quite a few unintentionally humorous moments and it has adorable cats. Its negatives can pretty much all be chalked up to its made-for-TVness. It is a little slow, it only has three deaths (one of which is mostly off screen) and aside from a teensy weensy bit of blood, there's no gore and grue. I personally found it worth a watch but I'm not sure how often I'd revisit this one if ever. This movie should be reserved for special people. Very special people.

Thanks for joining me! Until next time...

Bites and Hisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead