Ghost Shark (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Ghost Shark (2013)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, speculative fiction writer, Douglas Hackle! I struggled to come up with the perfect combination of adjectives to describe Douglas to the folks who are unfamiliar with him and his work. In the end, I decided his bio from Tall Tales with Short Cocks IV says everything you could possibly need to know.

Photo Credit: Amy Seymour Photography

There. Now I'm sure you and Douglas feel like old chums.


The Meat of Ghost Shark: Ghost Shark just wants to get his munch on and now that he can appear wherever there's a drop of water, the whole world is his buffet. 

Let's see what Douglas has to say about his experience with Ghost Shark.

As always, be forewarned. Spoilers lurk ahead.


Hmm. Though this piece-of-shit movie almost falls into the it's-so-bad-it's-good category, I don't think it quite earns that honor. It's sort of just plain 'ol bad, IMHO. The only thing that redeems it (ever so slightly) is watching the eponymous, cheaply CGI-rendered Ghost Shark kill people. So, if you do intend on watching Ghost Shark, I highly recommend doing so in the following manner:

A) When you begin watching the movie, IMMEDIATELY press fast forward (speed: x2 or even x4).

B) As you sit there watching the blessedly silent, sped-up film (thereby sparing yourself the moronic story, the horrific acting, etc.), always be on the lookout for a glowing blue-white light. When you see that light, Ghost Shark is either on the screen or will appear momentarily. At that point, by all means, press play and then watch as Ghost Shark fucks somebody's day up.

C) When the scene ends and Ghost Shark slips off-camera for the moment, press fast forward again (x2 or x4--shit maybe even x6, x8 or x16) and wait for the next appearance of that glowing blue-white light.

D) Repeat steps A through C until the end of the shitty movie.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to think of a few things I "loved" about Ghost Shark. So here goes:



1. The Slip'N Slide Attack

See, the ocean cannot contain the fury of Ghost Shark. In fact, Ghost Shark can get you anywhere there is even a little bit of water, which is basically everywhere. A wet Slip'N Slide? Forget about it. Probably my favorite kill scene in the movie.






2. The Water Cooler Attack

Here a dude gets a drink from the water cooler in the Sheriff's office. Little does he know that he's also imbibing Ghost Shark! (See, apparently Ghost Shark has the ability to shrink itself down small enough to fit into a cup of water. After all, it is a goddamn ghost, so I guess it can do whatever the hell it wants. Plus it's not just any ghost--it's GHOST SHARK!!!)  Anyhow, dude starts spitting up blood and going into convulsions whereupon he splits in half as Ghost Shark emerges from his body and returns to its original size. Shit's bonkers.






3. Kitchen Sink Plumbing Attack

Some other unlucky guy is trying to fix the leak underneath his kitchen sink when Ghost Shark literally pulls him kicking and screaming into the pipes. Then the dude is completely gone! How is that even possible. Who cares? Shit's totes cray-cray.






4. Sprinkler System Goes Off Scene

There's a moment in the movie when the sprinkler system in a maritime museum goes off. A whole three seconds after the sprinklers are activated, the water on the floor--which, if you recall, was bone-dry just three fucking seconds ago-- is now six inches deep! Call me easily entertained but I love stupid stuff like that.





5. Finally, This Movie Has "Bull" From Night Court In It!

Yes, that's right. A drunken, hermitic, lighthouse keeper who knows more about Ghost Shark's origins than anyone else in the film is played by none other than Richard Moll, probably best known for his role as the bald bailiff  "Bull"  in the 80s sit-com Night Court.






But, like, isn't that actor dead? I think he is. Yeah, he must be. Which makes it that much cooler that they somehow got Bull's ghost to act in this movie--a ghost acting in a movie about a ghost. That's pretty rad.

Wait, I used to watch Night Court when it was a new show. Alas, that means I'm old! Hey, what if I'm dead too? Dead like Richard Moll. Shit, what if I'm a fucking ghost myself! Oh no! I just thought of something else, too. What if... what if I am....
GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST SHARRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my. What an unfortunate realization for my dear guest, Douglas Hackle. On the plus side, just think of all the traveling he'll be able to do now that he is able to instantly pop up wherever there's a bit of water!

And now, here are five things I (Lady Terminator) love about Ghost Shark.



1. The Ghost Shark

I know. I know. That's a pretty obvious choice. But it had to be said. Every single scene in which Ghost Shark makes an appearance is awesome. The effects are amusingly terrible and the kills are hilariously nonsensical. I can't get enough of Ghost Shark.






2. The Complicated Rules of Being a Ghost Shark

These rules are so complex I can't even wrap my brain around them. Here's Ghost Shark trying to gobble up some delicious teens. He can't quite reach though. Why is that? Is he stuck on something? Is there not enough water present?





But wait a minute. Ghost Shark is a muthafuckin' ghost! Solid objects don't hold him back! Neither does a lack of water!




I'm so confused. I'd make a terrible ghost shark.



3. Rednecks Torturing a Shark with Hot Sauce

Seriously. This is a thing that happens. No wonder Ghost Shark is in such a bad mood. 






4. The Chic Who Gets Her Leg Chomped By a Great White Ghost Shark and Pretty Much Walks It Off Like it Ain't No Thang

Who needs stitches or surgery when a few pretty belts will do the trick!

See. Walk it off. Barely a limp.






5. This Kid Showin' Off His Guns
 

He doesn't like being told what he can and can not do. If he wants to play in the water gushing from the fire hydrant, he goddamn will. He doesn't give two shits about some Ghost Shark.

And he will not hesitate to wreck you with a wrench.






So folks, where does that leave us? It looks like I enjoyed Ghost Shark a bit more than Douglas. Here are the final tallies...

What we learned today:

1. Ghost Shark is a ridiculous movie and has some highly amusing scenes. As far as the film as a whole goes though, it's probably not going to be appreciated by the majority of viewers. It takes a special kind of love of bad cinema to really get into Ghost Shark. Proceed with caution.

2. Douglas Hackle is a talented writer with a unique sense of humor. He may also be a ghost shark. Regardless, if you're looking for a read outside of the mainstream, you might want to pick up a copy of Clown Tear Junkies or check out some of Douglas' fiction available online.



Until next time...

Stay Dry,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Strays (1991)

Am I still on a melty, body horror kick? Yes. Yes, I am. But I decided to break it up with a bit of killer kitty horror. Why? Because KILLER KITTIES. That's why. So, I gave the 1991 made-for-TV movie, Strays a shot. Did I pick a winner? Well, it's not the ultimate killer kitty flick. And it's definitely no Uninvited. But if you enjoy the silliness that is pretty much unavoidable with the very premise of murderous cats, then it's certainly worth a peek.

The movie opens with some cat-vision perspective shots that lead us to this awesome cat lady. 

Behold my role model.

Wait. Why do cat ladies get a bad rap? She's napping with her alcohol and has a house full of furry friends. Sounds to me like she's doing life right!

Happiness.

For some reason Cat Lady stores her supply of canned cat food in the basement. Interesting choice given she lives alone in a giant two story house. She could very easily have dedicated one entire room to cat food storage and saved herself from having to trek outside and around to the dark basement. Now that I think about it, I suspect she wasn't really bringing her A game to the cat lady lifestyle.

And maybe if she had, she'd have never endured that fateful trip to the basement. The one in which she is attacked by an "unknown creature". (Hint. Hint. The movie is called Strays.) Sadly, this is the end of our cat lady. And the beginning of our journey with these twats...

Let's play detective for a minute. The dude must be an important businessman because he's wearing a tie (lawyer) and the chic is in a goofy hat so you know she's an artsy, creative type (writer). The kid? Well, I'm not sure what her outfit says about her.

That. Maybe, that.

The Twat Family is looking for a house away from the corruption of the city so as to give Shitty Pants a wholesome upbringing. Lucky for them, Goofy Hat's sister is in real estate and shows them Cat Lady's now vacated house.

This movie only wishes it was The Amityville Horror.

Tie Guy caves in to his wife, despite his reluctance, and soon enough they're shacking up in the Cat Cave.

They quickly learn that everything isn't perfect in their new home. Their telephone lines are chewed to shit and there's a wee bit of a rat problem. Also, there are kamikaze cats.

It's raining cats.

We finally get to see the mysterious and vicious creature that took out Cat Lady about a half hour in, when the Telephone Repair Dude is in the basement.

This is what they refer to as "method acting".

This kitty's not cute and cuddly like the other strays. This one's rockin' the Church from Pet Sematary look. That's one pissed pussy. So, needless to say, Telephone Guy is screwed.

And then there's the rest of the cats who are pretty much phoning it in. This is what passes for "menacing". Just look at this bullshit...





And this? This is "attacking"...

Amateurs. Nothin' but amateurs.

It's like they're not even trying.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the Twat Family wakes up to this...

It's difficult to tell in that shitty photo so I took the liberty of highlighting the yellowy splotches on their bedding. Apparently the leader of the strays had a pee party all over them while they were sleeping. I don't even know how you sleep through that. They may want to lay off the NyQuil.

And the pee party wasn't just confined to the bed. Nuh-uh. This cat is the Andrew W.K. of pee parties.

He's also hung like a fire hose. A fire hose filled with pee.

The cat or cats also roughed up Twat Family's dog. They call in a vet. He thinks they're twats, too.

He also lets them know what he suspects is to blame for some of their problems...

Now, if you've managed to tolerate the Twat Family long enough to make it to the 50 minute mark, you're about to get your pay off. Shit gets real when the kitties decide to practice some extreme snuggling with Shitty Pants.






That lady's face is great. I'm especially fond of it when she bashes it with a cat.






It turns out the kitties' snuggle sonar was a bit off because somehow Shitty Pants has magically teleported her toddler butt out of her crib and into the closet where she's refusing to cooperate.

I can haz snugglez?

Goofy Hat uses her mom powers to rescue Shitty Pants and they barricade themselves in another room. But if nothing else, the ferals are go-getters and it only takes them a matter of seconds to begin turning the door into woodchips.

Here's Johnny!

There are several more cat confrontations in which Feral Cat looks pretty grumpy and the rest of the cats just look adorable. At one point, the cats even take a hostage...

Goddamit, Shitty Pants. How do you get yourself into these messes?

I'm not going to reveal how the final showdown plays out or who bites the big one but I am going to spoil the very last shot because it's hilarious in its attempt to be foreboding...

Gah! TOO MUCH CUTE!

So for its positives, Strays has quite a few unintentionally humorous moments and it has adorable cats. Its negatives can pretty much all be chalked up to its made-for-TVness. It is a little slow, it only has three deaths (one of which is mostly off screen) and aside from a teensy weensy bit of blood, there's no gore and grue. I personally found it worth a watch but I'm not sure how often I'd revisit this one if ever. This movie should be reserved for special people. Very special people.

Thanks for joining me! Until next time...

Bites and Hisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead