Ghost Shark (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Ghost Shark (2013)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, speculative fiction writer, Douglas Hackle! I struggled to come up with the perfect combination of adjectives to describe Douglas to the folks who are unfamiliar with him and his work. In the end, I decided his bio from Tall Tales with Short Cocks IV says everything you could possibly need to know.

Photo Credit: Amy Seymour Photography

There. Now I'm sure you and Douglas feel like old chums.


The Meat of Ghost Shark: Ghost Shark just wants to get his munch on and now that he can appear wherever there's a drop of water, the whole world is his buffet. 

Let's see what Douglas has to say about his experience with Ghost Shark.

As always, be forewarned. Spoilers lurk ahead.


Hmm. Though this piece-of-shit movie almost falls into the it's-so-bad-it's-good category, I don't think it quite earns that honor. It's sort of just plain 'ol bad, IMHO. The only thing that redeems it (ever so slightly) is watching the eponymous, cheaply CGI-rendered Ghost Shark kill people. So, if you do intend on watching Ghost Shark, I highly recommend doing so in the following manner:

A) When you begin watching the movie, IMMEDIATELY press fast forward (speed: x2 or even x4).

B) As you sit there watching the blessedly silent, sped-up film (thereby sparing yourself the moronic story, the horrific acting, etc.), always be on the lookout for a glowing blue-white light. When you see that light, Ghost Shark is either on the screen or will appear momentarily. At that point, by all means, press play and then watch as Ghost Shark fucks somebody's day up.

C) When the scene ends and Ghost Shark slips off-camera for the moment, press fast forward again (x2 or x4--shit maybe even x6, x8 or x16) and wait for the next appearance of that glowing blue-white light.

D) Repeat steps A through C until the end of the shitty movie.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to think of a few things I "loved" about Ghost Shark. So here goes:



1. The Slip'N Slide Attack

See, the ocean cannot contain the fury of Ghost Shark. In fact, Ghost Shark can get you anywhere there is even a little bit of water, which is basically everywhere. A wet Slip'N Slide? Forget about it. Probably my favorite kill scene in the movie.






2. The Water Cooler Attack

Here a dude gets a drink from the water cooler in the Sheriff's office. Little does he know that he's also imbibing Ghost Shark! (See, apparently Ghost Shark has the ability to shrink itself down small enough to fit into a cup of water. After all, it is a goddamn ghost, so I guess it can do whatever the hell it wants. Plus it's not just any ghost--it's GHOST SHARK!!!)  Anyhow, dude starts spitting up blood and going into convulsions whereupon he splits in half as Ghost Shark emerges from his body and returns to its original size. Shit's bonkers.






3. Kitchen Sink Plumbing Attack

Some other unlucky guy is trying to fix the leak underneath his kitchen sink when Ghost Shark literally pulls him kicking and screaming into the pipes. Then the dude is completely gone! How is that even possible. Who cares? Shit's totes cray-cray.






4. Sprinkler System Goes Off Scene

There's a moment in the movie when the sprinkler system in a maritime museum goes off. A whole three seconds after the sprinklers are activated, the water on the floor--which, if you recall, was bone-dry just three fucking seconds ago-- is now six inches deep! Call me easily entertained but I love stupid stuff like that.





5. Finally, This Movie Has "Bull" From Night Court In It!

Yes, that's right. A drunken, hermitic, lighthouse keeper who knows more about Ghost Shark's origins than anyone else in the film is played by none other than Richard Moll, probably best known for his role as the bald bailiff  "Bull"  in the 80s sit-com Night Court.






But, like, isn't that actor dead? I think he is. Yeah, he must be. Which makes it that much cooler that they somehow got Bull's ghost to act in this movie--a ghost acting in a movie about a ghost. That's pretty rad.

Wait, I used to watch Night Court when it was a new show. Alas, that means I'm old! Hey, what if I'm dead too? Dead like Richard Moll. Shit, what if I'm a fucking ghost myself! Oh no! I just thought of something else, too. What if... what if I am....
GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST SHARRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my. What an unfortunate realization for my dear guest, Douglas Hackle. On the plus side, just think of all the traveling he'll be able to do now that he is able to instantly pop up wherever there's a bit of water!

And now, here are five things I (Lady Terminator) love about Ghost Shark.



1. The Ghost Shark

I know. I know. That's a pretty obvious choice. But it had to be said. Every single scene in which Ghost Shark makes an appearance is awesome. The effects are amusingly terrible and the kills are hilariously nonsensical. I can't get enough of Ghost Shark.






2. The Complicated Rules of Being a Ghost Shark

These rules are so complex I can't even wrap my brain around them. Here's Ghost Shark trying to gobble up some delicious teens. He can't quite reach though. Why is that? Is he stuck on something? Is there not enough water present?





But wait a minute. Ghost Shark is a muthafuckin' ghost! Solid objects don't hold him back! Neither does a lack of water!




I'm so confused. I'd make a terrible ghost shark.



3. Rednecks Torturing a Shark with Hot Sauce

Seriously. This is a thing that happens. No wonder Ghost Shark is in such a bad mood. 






4. The Chic Who Gets Her Leg Chomped By a Great White Ghost Shark and Pretty Much Walks It Off Like it Ain't No Thang

Who needs stitches or surgery when a few pretty belts will do the trick!

See. Walk it off. Barely a limp.






5. This Kid Showin' Off His Guns
 

He doesn't like being told what he can and can not do. If he wants to play in the water gushing from the fire hydrant, he goddamn will. He doesn't give two shits about some Ghost Shark.

And he will not hesitate to wreck you with a wrench.






So folks, where does that leave us? It looks like I enjoyed Ghost Shark a bit more than Douglas. Here are the final tallies...

What we learned today:

1. Ghost Shark is a ridiculous movie and has some highly amusing scenes. As far as the film as a whole goes though, it's probably not going to be appreciated by the majority of viewers. It takes a special kind of love of bad cinema to really get into Ghost Shark. Proceed with caution.

2. Douglas Hackle is a talented writer with a unique sense of humor. He may also be a ghost shark. Regardless, if you're looking for a read outside of the mainstream, you might want to pick up a copy of Clown Tear Junkies or check out some of Douglas' fiction available online.



Until next time...

Stay Dry,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Mutantis (2014)

Eyeball Treat: Mutantis (2014)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, Danger_Slater! If you're a regular around these parts, you'll recognize him from this post on Street Trash. To refresh your probably not-so-fresh memory, this is Danger...

He's a witty bastard and when he's not adventuring on his trusty tapir, he puts words to paper. Sometimes those words involve Will Smith having cock-hands. You can check out some of those words here. 

Anywho.

The Meat of Mutantis: There is something in the woods having murdery, sexy times with hippies. This is not as groovy as it may sound.



And just a friendly reminder, we tried to go easy on the spoilers since this is a new release but keep in mind that you're taking a risk whenever you read about a movie you have yet to see. 

Also, there are pictures of mutant monster genitalia so maybe don't read this post in the company of anyone who might not dig creature junk. 

 

Having said that, here are five things Danger_Slater loved about Mutantis: 

  
1.  Ben Franklin Guy

So Ben Franklin Guy is the dad in the movie. His name isn't actually Ben Franklin Guy. I think his name is Father Joy, which is pretty much just as weird as if it were Ben Franklin Guy. I'd like to think the filmmakers made him look like Ben Franklin on purpose as a tribute to the esoteric Founding Father, but I think the weird costume was just to mask the fact that they would randomly switch between two actors playing the same role.

Believe it or not, that's three different guys.

In addition to evoking all sorts of patriotic American pride in me, Ben Franklin Guy is also trying to have sex with his daughter, like, THE WHOLE TIME, which I assume is true of the real Uncle Ben too. 

Bad touch.

Wait, do people refer to Ben Franklin as Uncle Ben? I'm confusing myself now. 



2. Hippie Dance Party




So about 20 minutes into this film, the main characters bump into some hippies doing some hippie shit in the woods. Communing with nature and smoking drugs, or whatever the fuck. The nerdy chick wants to get 'groovy' which sounds sexy, but it mostly just involves a lot of bad dancing. 

"But Dennis, I want to be groovy."

Haha. I'm actually watching this scene again as I write this and it's fucking cracking me up. The dialogue in this movie is so silly. I'm getting off track here. Let me recalibrate. I'm here to talk about hippies dancing. 






The 'dance party' is such a weird trope in low-budget movies. It happens in pretty much every single one I can think of. Try to think of a low-budget movie that doesn't have a dance scene. I bet you can't, can you?
   


3. Mustaches Everywhere

Nearly every male character in this movie had a mustache. This might be the most mustachey movie of all time! 

Even Ben Franklin Guy has a mustache, which as you well know, is not true of the actual Ben Franklin. This movie is literally rewriting HISTORY! 

Shit, there's even a girl in this movie with a mustache. 

I found that really confusing to my masculinity. I think it might've even turned me gay. Let me check......................................................................................................................................................................................
.................nope. Still into camels. Oh, have I mentioned that I'm only sexually attracted to camels?



4. Bad Acid Trips, Man! 

OH SHIT! We took some weird acid! Or maybe it was just a joint. But these are movie drugs, so marijuana makes you see SATAN because we're getting far-out! I don't know what I'm talking about. But don't you just hate it when you've finished your hippie woods dance party and all you want to do is relax with a nice bone and all of a sudden the music starts playing backwards and pentagrams start floating in front of your eyes and the silhouette of The Beast starts trying to stab a dagger through you in some sorta ritualistic blood sacrifice? 

Me too. 

And whoever is playing Satan in this movie is my new fucking hero. 





He kinda looked like a version of my good friend Shawn, which made me miss Shawn because he lives all the way in San Francisco. Thank you, Mutantis, for reminding me to call him.

 
5. Mutantis's Pussy

The feather pubes are a nice touch.

Yes, Mutantis has a pussy. And inside Mutantis's pussy is a cock.

Mutantis sticks it to the establishment.

And Mutantis uses its pussycock to have non-consensual sex with pretty much every person it comes across. Or should I say 'cums' across. Hahaha. I just made a pun! I'm hilarious! So yeah, this monster-thing is the centerpiece for this whole film. 




And it's weird and gross and vile and funny all at the same time. I could watch Mutantis mate all day long. I think I learned more about reproduction from watching this movie than I did in 8 years of health class in school. Shit, why do they even bother teaching sex-ed OR American History when they can just show this film? Ben Franklin Guy is in it anyway. That's all the history I need.


And that concludes Danger_Slater's portion of this post! Thanks Danger!  



I've got to say Danger did a bang up job covering some of the fun that Mutantis has to offer. I was going to offer up the five things that I love about Mutantis but then I started to worry that perhaps we'd be giving away too many of its delicious secrets. I mean, we did give you pussycock! Though it is my hope that pussycock is less of a spoiler and more of an enticement. If you didn't have a reason to see Mutantis before, you sure do now!

Anyway, I think I'm going to leave my five things up to your imagination. What's that you say? You aren't feeling very imaginative? Fine. My five things are this picture of Mutantis's pussycock.

Wait. Actually, I do have two things I want to talk about. So I lied. Whatever. You got an extra dose of pussycock...an extra FIVE doses... so you've got nothing to complain about.

First, I want to talk about this guy.

That would be The Fruit Stand Clerk. His name is Mark Leake
and he also wrote and produced Mutantis. Turns out I actually met this dude back in 2007 at  HorrorFind Weekend.

Lady Terminator and Mark Leake 2007

Apparently, I asked him to pose for a photo and then waited 7 years before I bothered to watch any of his films. I think that makes me kind of a dick. Still, it was kind of cool to watch the movie and be like, "Hey! I met that guy!" Small world!

The second thing I want to talk about is this guy.

That's Ol' Jonah played by the captivating Gary Brown. 

And guess what, I met that guy, too! 

That's Lady T with G. (He's sportin' the Pee Baby shirt.) The dude behind me is Shamus McCarty, owner/operator of Rooster Republic Press.

Oh, hey! Turns out Danger also met G! 

Here's G wearing a museum quality replica of the face in Munch's The Scream while singing Ratt's Round and Round with Danger. Really. That's what's happening here.

Ya see, G is also a part of the bizarro/indie publishing scene and all three of us met up at BizarroCon. He's the one who put a copy of Mutantis in my hands. Thanks, G! 
 
So after all this rambling, lets get to the point. This is where Danger and I stand on the issue of Mutantis.

 

So what did we learn today, kiddos?


1. Mutantis is sexually liberated. Mutantis is ready to make it anywhere at anytime. 

2. If you like your entertainment low-budget, ridiculous, over the top and full of monster sex, you're going to want to check out Mutantis. You can pick up a copy on Amazon or rent it here. Unless you're the establishment. Then it's probably not your thing. 

 Mutantis!

Until next time...

Stay Groovy,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Blood Glacier (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Blood Glacier (2013)

First Time View? Yup!
 
The Meat of It: The blood glacier looks like a refreshing beverage to local wildlife. The problem is that it contains organisms that take the DNA of the wildlife that drinks it and the DNA of anything in the wildlife's stomach and mixes it up into a creature cocktail.

Some Thoughts: I honestly thought with a title like Blood Glacier that this was going to be some crazy Sharknado-esque, Syfy Channel cheese. I was completely off on this one. It's a bit like The Thing and even a bit like Alien. I mean, don't go into it expecting it to be of the same caliber as those two amazing films. Blood Glacier is good but it's not that good. 

Warning: Since this is a newer movie I tried to go easy on the spoilers but it does contain clips and talk of the movie. So, ya know, keep that in mind. 

 

Here are five things I love about Blood Glacier:
 


1. This guy. The imperfect hero. 

He drinks. He smokes. He doesn't wear pants when he goes to work. He's grumpy, grizzled, rude, emotionally damaged and anti-social. But when it comes down to doing what needs to be done, this guy still manages to pull it off. 



 
2. The isolation.

The isolation in this film is one of the things it has in common with movies like The Thing and Alien. Though not as expertly utilized as those films, it does add another layer to the horror.



 
 3. The creatures.





I'm a sucker for creatures. And since the plot is set up in such a way that it's like a Mad Libs for creature design it's exactly my kind of film. 

I also like that the film hints at the ideas that mythological creatures like mermaids, wolfmen and even Anubis, the Egyptian jackal-headed god, may have been a reality thanks to those tiny gene laboratories.



4.The banana.

 Photo Source

The moment when banana-eater is yelled at is pretty hilarious. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. That scene inspired an entire BuzzFeed post called 7 Crying Scenes Made Better With a Banana.

If you're not too lazy to push play, you should watch the banana moment in action and you'll see what I mean.

5. The ending. 

Oh god. The ending. I don't want to spoil it but it's bizarre and exactly the kind of thing I love! It's taking every ounce of strength I can muster to resist posting spoiler screenshots. I love it so much!


Rating:

I definitely recommend Blood Glacier! Though I do not recommend watching the dubbed version because the voices just don't sound right at all. If this were a sillier movie, I'd say go ahead but the  goofiness of the dubbing takes away from the atmosphere. Stick to the original German language version and use subtitles if needed.


Until next time...

Deadly Beetle-Fox Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Witching and Bitching (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Witching and Bitching (2013)
Original Title:Las brujas de Zugarramurdi

First Time View? YES!

 

The Meat of It: Women are bitches. Sometimes they're witches. 


Warning: Since this is a fairly new movie, I've tried not to include too many spoilers. But really, this movie is kickass. You should just go watch it.  

Here are five things I love about Witching & Bitching:


1. The Opening Action Sequence:

 

A bunch of mascots/street performers including Spongebob, Green Army Guy, Silver Jesus and his 10 year old son, rob a Cash 4 Gold type store. This scene is gorgeous and funny and action packed. And the imagery is fantastic! 

Also, is it weird that I was crushing on Silver Jesus? Because I was.


2. The Bathroom Scenes:

Oh, holy hell. Maybe I'm just a spoiled American, but take away that eyeball in the toilet hole and the hand....even clean that place up and make that bathroom shine...and I'm still terrified of and confused by these toilets. I realize that squatting is a perfectly acceptable way to take care of business but I think I'd rather do it in the bushes than over some weird drain in the floor or that sink looking thing. 


3. Javier Botet

I love this guy. Botet is a unique actor in that he has a disorder called marfan syndrome that accounts for his gaunt appearance and contortion abilities.  But it's not just the way he looks and moves that impresses me. He's just a really good actor. In Witching and Bitching he is spot on in a performance that is both amusing and creepy. 

For more Botet, check out this incredible test footage for the movie Mama.


4. Macarena Gomez

 

I just find her mesmerizing. I've been a Macarena Gomez fan ever since Dagon.

As Uxía Cambarro in Dagon.

5. Carolina Bang

 

 

Not only does she have an awesome name and is married to the director (Alex de la Iglesia) but she plays a bitchin' babe. And the side of her head is shaved. It's incredibly hot. Sure her character is a little emotionally unstable, but you would be, too, if you were raised in a man-hating coven. 
  

Rating:

I really enjoyed this flick. It was strange, hilarious, gruesome, and expertly shot. Most of all, it's highly entertaining! I definitely recommend it!


Until next time...

Witchy-Bitchy Love,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead