Mutantis (2014)

Eyeball Treat: Mutantis (2014)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, Danger_Slater! If you're a regular around these parts, you'll recognize him from this post on Street Trash. To refresh your probably not-so-fresh memory, this is Danger...

He's a witty bastard and when he's not adventuring on his trusty tapir, he puts words to paper. Sometimes those words involve Will Smith having cock-hands. You can check out some of those words here. 

Anywho.

The Meat of Mutantis: There is something in the woods having murdery, sexy times with hippies. This is not as groovy as it may sound.



And just a friendly reminder, we tried to go easy on the spoilers since this is a new release but keep in mind that you're taking a risk whenever you read about a movie you have yet to see. 

Also, there are pictures of mutant monster genitalia so maybe don't read this post in the company of anyone who might not dig creature junk. 

 

Having said that, here are five things Danger_Slater loved about Mutantis: 

  
1.  Ben Franklin Guy

So Ben Franklin Guy is the dad in the movie. His name isn't actually Ben Franklin Guy. I think his name is Father Joy, which is pretty much just as weird as if it were Ben Franklin Guy. I'd like to think the filmmakers made him look like Ben Franklin on purpose as a tribute to the esoteric Founding Father, but I think the weird costume was just to mask the fact that they would randomly switch between two actors playing the same role.

Believe it or not, that's three different guys.

In addition to evoking all sorts of patriotic American pride in me, Ben Franklin Guy is also trying to have sex with his daughter, like, THE WHOLE TIME, which I assume is true of the real Uncle Ben too. 

Bad touch.

Wait, do people refer to Ben Franklin as Uncle Ben? I'm confusing myself now. 



2. Hippie Dance Party




So about 20 minutes into this film, the main characters bump into some hippies doing some hippie shit in the woods. Communing with nature and smoking drugs, or whatever the fuck. The nerdy chick wants to get 'groovy' which sounds sexy, but it mostly just involves a lot of bad dancing. 

"But Dennis, I want to be groovy."

Haha. I'm actually watching this scene again as I write this and it's fucking cracking me up. The dialogue in this movie is so silly. I'm getting off track here. Let me recalibrate. I'm here to talk about hippies dancing. 






The 'dance party' is such a weird trope in low-budget movies. It happens in pretty much every single one I can think of. Try to think of a low-budget movie that doesn't have a dance scene. I bet you can't, can you?
   


3. Mustaches Everywhere

Nearly every male character in this movie had a mustache. This might be the most mustachey movie of all time! 

Even Ben Franklin Guy has a mustache, which as you well know, is not true of the actual Ben Franklin. This movie is literally rewriting HISTORY! 

Shit, there's even a girl in this movie with a mustache. 

I found that really confusing to my masculinity. I think it might've even turned me gay. Let me check......................................................................................................................................................................................
.................nope. Still into camels. Oh, have I mentioned that I'm only sexually attracted to camels?



4. Bad Acid Trips, Man! 

OH SHIT! We took some weird acid! Or maybe it was just a joint. But these are movie drugs, so marijuana makes you see SATAN because we're getting far-out! I don't know what I'm talking about. But don't you just hate it when you've finished your hippie woods dance party and all you want to do is relax with a nice bone and all of a sudden the music starts playing backwards and pentagrams start floating in front of your eyes and the silhouette of The Beast starts trying to stab a dagger through you in some sorta ritualistic blood sacrifice? 

Me too. 

And whoever is playing Satan in this movie is my new fucking hero. 





He kinda looked like a version of my good friend Shawn, which made me miss Shawn because he lives all the way in San Francisco. Thank you, Mutantis, for reminding me to call him.

 
5. Mutantis's Pussy

The feather pubes are a nice touch.

Yes, Mutantis has a pussy. And inside Mutantis's pussy is a cock.

Mutantis sticks it to the establishment.

And Mutantis uses its pussycock to have non-consensual sex with pretty much every person it comes across. Or should I say 'cums' across. Hahaha. I just made a pun! I'm hilarious! So yeah, this monster-thing is the centerpiece for this whole film. 




And it's weird and gross and vile and funny all at the same time. I could watch Mutantis mate all day long. I think I learned more about reproduction from watching this movie than I did in 8 years of health class in school. Shit, why do they even bother teaching sex-ed OR American History when they can just show this film? Ben Franklin Guy is in it anyway. That's all the history I need.


And that concludes Danger_Slater's portion of this post! Thanks Danger!  



I've got to say Danger did a bang up job covering some of the fun that Mutantis has to offer. I was going to offer up the five things that I love about Mutantis but then I started to worry that perhaps we'd be giving away too many of its delicious secrets. I mean, we did give you pussycock! Though it is my hope that pussycock is less of a spoiler and more of an enticement. If you didn't have a reason to see Mutantis before, you sure do now!

Anyway, I think I'm going to leave my five things up to your imagination. What's that you say? You aren't feeling very imaginative? Fine. My five things are this picture of Mutantis's pussycock.

Wait. Actually, I do have two things I want to talk about. So I lied. Whatever. You got an extra dose of pussycock...an extra FIVE doses... so you've got nothing to complain about.

First, I want to talk about this guy.

That would be The Fruit Stand Clerk. His name is Mark Leake
and he also wrote and produced Mutantis. Turns out I actually met this dude back in 2007 at  HorrorFind Weekend.

Lady Terminator and Mark Leake 2007

Apparently, I asked him to pose for a photo and then waited 7 years before I bothered to watch any of his films. I think that makes me kind of a dick. Still, it was kind of cool to watch the movie and be like, "Hey! I met that guy!" Small world!

The second thing I want to talk about is this guy.

That's Ol' Jonah played by the captivating Gary Brown. 

And guess what, I met that guy, too! 

That's Lady T with G. (He's sportin' the Pee Baby shirt.) The dude behind me is Shamus McCarty, owner/operator of Rooster Republic Press.

Oh, hey! Turns out Danger also met G! 

Here's G wearing a museum quality replica of the face in Munch's The Scream while singing Ratt's Round and Round with Danger. Really. That's what's happening here.

Ya see, G is also a part of the bizarro/indie publishing scene and all three of us met up at BizarroCon. He's the one who put a copy of Mutantis in my hands. Thanks, G! 
 
So after all this rambling, lets get to the point. This is where Danger and I stand on the issue of Mutantis.

 

So what did we learn today, kiddos?


1. Mutantis is sexually liberated. Mutantis is ready to make it anywhere at anytime. 

2. If you like your entertainment low-budget, ridiculous, over the top and full of monster sex, you're going to want to check out Mutantis. You can pick up a copy on Amazon or rent it here. Unless you're the establishment. Then it's probably not your thing. 

 Mutantis!

Until next time...

Stay Groovy,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

FleshEater (1988)

AKA Three Drunk Girls Go To The Movies

Eyeball Treat: FleshEater (1988)

First Time View? Yes! And actually, I have not one but TWO special guests on my blog today! And this was a first time view for each of them, too!  

The Meat of It: Bill Hinzman is a cool sonofabitch. 

Even animated Bill is pretty tits.

He just wants to make sure you get your fill of zombies. And awkward makeout scenes. And denim. And tractors. 

Seriously, I love this dude. If you've read my mission statement then you already know just how much I adore filmmakers who disregard any advice that might lead them to rethink their project. I am truly inspired by people who take what someone else might consider a terrible, terrible idea and soldier on until completion. I can now add Bill Hinzman to my list of heroes.

So Who are These Special Guests? I had two fabulous dates for the evening. One is the alluring and talented author, Autumn Christian.  The other is a beautiful Hidden Horror contributor, and one of several bloggers at Dreams in the Bitch House...Fawn Krisenthia. I was surrounded by awesome.

A Little About Our Night: We headed out to the super amazing Terror Tuesday event at The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX where those incredible bastards were showing a rare archival 35 mm print of FleshEater! The Alamo always provides for a perfect viewing experience. Before the feature film there was a pre-show with clips and trailers tailor-made to appeal to the type of crowd that shows up for a film called FleshEater. And one of my favorite parts is when the event host (in the case of Terror Tuesday that would be Joseph A. Ziemba) takes the stage and talks a little about the film we're about to enjoy. Joseph knows his shit. Not only are his intros informative but his enthusiasm is always apparent. And it's contagious. By the time the film is about to roll, I'm always pumped thanks to Joseph! 

Anyway, the reason this post is titled AKA Three Drunk Girls Go To The Movies is because we had some time to kill beforehand. And we killed that time by killing a few drinks.

And then we killed a few more.

After the movie, I asked each of my lovely, drunken friends what their favorite part was. 

 Warning: Beware of Spoily Spoilers.

  

1. Here is Autumn's favorite part of FleshEater.

Well, not precisely that part. Her exact words were, "When that angel got shot in the face." 

I kinda can't stop watching this.

It was like that part but more facey. Unfortunately, I can't show you a clip of that dude planting a bullet in angel kid's face. It's implied that it's happening but it's all off screen.

What I can show you is the shooter making this face when he does the deed...

Also, a fun fact I learned from IMDb is that the little angel is actually Bill Hinzman's daughter, Heidi. Makes that scene even more special.



2. Here is Fawn's favorite part of FleshEater:

When I asked her, this was her response:

"Hypothesis: Can you eat through denim?"
"Conclusion: YOPE."

And Fawn does have a point. If denim is your thing, this movie will have you creaming in your pants. Your denim pants.

Just look at this rad Denim Dance Party.



Admit it. You totally got a denim boner from watching that. 

And despite all that denim, everyone still ends up like this.

Your precious denim can't save you.

And this girl was on to denim and its false notions of protection. She realized it was nothing but dead weight so she performed a rare maneuver known as The Denim Discard. 



It didn't really help her though since the thing that's even easier to bite through than denim covered skin is skin that's not covered by denim.



3. Here is my favorite part of FleshEater:




This fabulous bit contains two of my favorite things...super lame party scenes and really awkward dance action. I am especially a sucker for these types of scenes when I get the feeling I'm supposed to think this is a super cool party filled with super cool people.

I'm guessing the guy on the right is in costume since he's not wearing denim but it's hard to say for sure.

Actually, I grew up in a small town so this is a fairly accurate depiction of what an epic barn party is like. 

This was my actual quote regarding my favorite scene... "Everything about the rockin' barn dance scene but especially the nose-bite scene."  

So, here's the glorious nose-bite...


One thing's for sure the gore effects are actually pretty decent and definitely a ton of fun!


All Three Drunk Girls Agree:

The Night of the Living Dead "homage" near the end with these two is pretty freaking great. 

And the Tampa Speech? Amazing. 

I wanted to give you a sample of the Tampa Speech but Youtube didn't have an English language version of FleshEater up. But they did have one in Spanish. Though I'm pretty sure she's speaking the universal language of love when she speaks of the heaven known as Tampa.

 Dreamy.

 FleshEater Ratings:

It appears to be the general consensus among Three Drunk Girls that FleshEater is fantastically fun. Definitely check it out!


Bonus Photo!

After the show, the host was handing out codes for the FleshEater soundtrack. That's just one of the little extra touches that makes coming to the Alamo such a blast. And Joseph was kind enough to pose for a photo!
 

Lady Terminator (Erika Instead) and Terror Tuesday host, Joseph A. Ziemba.

A big thanks to the Alamo for doing what it does and screening gems like FleshEater!  And thanks to my special guests for joining us today on this denim laden adventure! And if you like strange adventures with a little less denim, be sure to check out Autumn's and Fawn's writing! 



Until next time...

Denim Hugs,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Street Trash (1987)

Eyeball Treat: Street Trash (1987)

First Time View? Nuh-uh. But it was a virgin viewing for my movie watching partner and today's fabulous special guest, Danger Slater!

The Meat of It: Drinking Tenafly Viper has some pretty harsh side effects. Also, everyone is terrible. Everyone. 

Hey, now. Back it up. Who's this Danger Slater dude? Danger Slater is the sex. He may also be a tapir but that has not yet been confirmed. He's also a published author, the genius behind the video series Trying to Remember Movies, and a Nic Cage fan. He also happens to be a pretty fun movie buddy. 

This guy.

And since he's my special guest, I'm gonna let him take over for a bit while I skip out to do whatever it is that people do when someone else is doing the wordy stuff on their blog. Maybe I'll help myself to a drink...

 
And just a friendly reminder, it's about to get real spoilery up in here. 
 

Here are five things Danger Slater loves about Street Trash: 


1. Rainbow Toilet Guy: 



Toilet Guy is the first victim of the Tenafly Viper wine. The dude literally dissolves into brightly-colored slime. This poison wine shit works crazy FAST. Just one sip and, like, a minute later you're looking like Rainbow Brite's toilet after she ate some bad Indian food. 




2. The Al Pacino of Bums:

This guy is the second victim of the Viper wine. But he doesn't just drink it and melt like some kind of fucking...pancake or whatever. No. Before he even takes a sip, he has to deliver a long soliloquy to the liquor store clerk, lament upon life and all the turmoil it brings, befriend a curious black cat and then, ONLY THEN, does he imbibe that final, fatal drink. I say it's a goddamn shame the Academy overlooked this guy's performance.

3. The 'Shoplifting' Scene:


This is a fairly long, largely unnecessary scene where the gas-masked bum shoves lots and lots of raw chicken down his pants. He is confronted by an old lady who gets the store manager. They then proceed to argue about whether or not there is chicken in his pants for another few minutes. I like this scene because it addresses the philosophical and ethical dilemma of racial inequality in America, and also because I like the way raw chicken feels against my own genitals.

Pardon me, sir, but I can see your chicken.

4. This Guy's Jacket:

I actually forgot why they were even fighting. Something about his girlfriend disappearing or something. Who cares? Look at my dude's jacket. I am so jealous of that jacket! And with the pink pants combo? Human beings actually dressed like this? And not only that, but his guy's fashion sense sets off a chain of events that quickly ends with the least convincing fight scene in movie history. If you haven't seen this movie, here's how I'll describe it to you: Do you remember that kick-ass fight scene from They Live? Now picture the exact opposite of that.



Plus, at the end of the fight, the cop totally barfs on the cool jacket guy's head to further shame him. I'm pretty sure that's police protocol, right?




5. Penis Keep-away:

I mean, I don't even know what to say here...

This. I'll say this.

Alright, Lady Terminator here. I see my blog was left in capable hands and Danger has chosen some pretty incredible scenes. I most certainly agree with him. I love all those things! But today's your lucky day because...

Here are five more things I love about Street Trash:

1. The Setting:

Everything is run down, trashy, covered in graffiti, and dirty. And I'm not just talking about the bulk of the scenes that take place in a junkyard. It's like that everywhere.

And check this place out. I've been calling this the Tire Fort. Two of the main characters live there. That car is their front door.

2. Exploding Dude:



Because EXPLODING DUDE. 

Also, that's the visual I have when a certain someone I know is especially gassy. I live in constant fear that this will one day happen.
 

3. This Chic's Entire Performance:

She is incredibly convincing as a junkie/drunk/mentally disturbed person.

Even freakier, here's the actress from a clip about a deleted scene...

Holy shit! She looks like a normal human being! Well, as normal as someone wearing shoulder pads can look.

Another reason to love her character...this happens:

I'm a sucker for melty tits.

4. James Lorinz  AKA "Doorman"


I'm a HUGE Frankenhooker fan so seeing James in this small first role was a pleasure. 

Plus, he talks like this...

 Don of Douchebags

Speaking of talking, that's my #5...

5. The Awesome Lines: 
(Do I really have to warn you to watch the company you're in when you play these?)

You just want my...

I read like...

She stinks...

Street trash!

And that brings us to the final scores:

So, despite not being able to agree on precisely how many Rainbow Toilet Guys this film has earned, Danger and I can agree that Street Trash is a trashy good time and definitely worth a watch!

A big thanks to Danger Slater for joining us today on this disgusting, hilarious, adventure. And if you like strange adventures, adventures involving killer roads or giant decayed thumb sex, be sure to check out Danger's writing!


Until next time...

Viper Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead