Ghost Shark (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Ghost Shark (2013)

First Time View? Yup! It was also a virgin viewing for my special guest, speculative fiction writer, Douglas Hackle! I struggled to come up with the perfect combination of adjectives to describe Douglas to the folks who are unfamiliar with him and his work. In the end, I decided his bio from Tall Tales with Short Cocks IV says everything you could possibly need to know.

Photo Credit: Amy Seymour Photography

There. Now I'm sure you and Douglas feel like old chums.


The Meat of Ghost Shark: Ghost Shark just wants to get his munch on and now that he can appear wherever there's a drop of water, the whole world is his buffet. 

Let's see what Douglas has to say about his experience with Ghost Shark.

As always, be forewarned. Spoilers lurk ahead.


Hmm. Though this piece-of-shit movie almost falls into the it's-so-bad-it's-good category, I don't think it quite earns that honor. It's sort of just plain 'ol bad, IMHO. The only thing that redeems it (ever so slightly) is watching the eponymous, cheaply CGI-rendered Ghost Shark kill people. So, if you do intend on watching Ghost Shark, I highly recommend doing so in the following manner:

A) When you begin watching the movie, IMMEDIATELY press fast forward (speed: x2 or even x4).

B) As you sit there watching the blessedly silent, sped-up film (thereby sparing yourself the moronic story, the horrific acting, etc.), always be on the lookout for a glowing blue-white light. When you see that light, Ghost Shark is either on the screen or will appear momentarily. At that point, by all means, press play and then watch as Ghost Shark fucks somebody's day up.

C) When the scene ends and Ghost Shark slips off-camera for the moment, press fast forward again (x2 or x4--shit maybe even x6, x8 or x16) and wait for the next appearance of that glowing blue-white light.

D) Repeat steps A through C until the end of the shitty movie.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to think of a few things I "loved" about Ghost Shark. So here goes:



1. The Slip'N Slide Attack

See, the ocean cannot contain the fury of Ghost Shark. In fact, Ghost Shark can get you anywhere there is even a little bit of water, which is basically everywhere. A wet Slip'N Slide? Forget about it. Probably my favorite kill scene in the movie.






2. The Water Cooler Attack

Here a dude gets a drink from the water cooler in the Sheriff's office. Little does he know that he's also imbibing Ghost Shark! (See, apparently Ghost Shark has the ability to shrink itself down small enough to fit into a cup of water. After all, it is a goddamn ghost, so I guess it can do whatever the hell it wants. Plus it's not just any ghost--it's GHOST SHARK!!!)  Anyhow, dude starts spitting up blood and going into convulsions whereupon he splits in half as Ghost Shark emerges from his body and returns to its original size. Shit's bonkers.






3. Kitchen Sink Plumbing Attack

Some other unlucky guy is trying to fix the leak underneath his kitchen sink when Ghost Shark literally pulls him kicking and screaming into the pipes. Then the dude is completely gone! How is that even possible. Who cares? Shit's totes cray-cray.






4. Sprinkler System Goes Off Scene

There's a moment in the movie when the sprinkler system in a maritime museum goes off. A whole three seconds after the sprinklers are activated, the water on the floor--which, if you recall, was bone-dry just three fucking seconds ago-- is now six inches deep! Call me easily entertained but I love stupid stuff like that.





5. Finally, This Movie Has "Bull" From Night Court In It!

Yes, that's right. A drunken, hermitic, lighthouse keeper who knows more about Ghost Shark's origins than anyone else in the film is played by none other than Richard Moll, probably best known for his role as the bald bailiff  "Bull"  in the 80s sit-com Night Court.






But, like, isn't that actor dead? I think he is. Yeah, he must be. Which makes it that much cooler that they somehow got Bull's ghost to act in this movie--a ghost acting in a movie about a ghost. That's pretty rad.

Wait, I used to watch Night Court when it was a new show. Alas, that means I'm old! Hey, what if I'm dead too? Dead like Richard Moll. Shit, what if I'm a fucking ghost myself! Oh no! I just thought of something else, too. What if... what if I am....
GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST SHARRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my. What an unfortunate realization for my dear guest, Douglas Hackle. On the plus side, just think of all the traveling he'll be able to do now that he is able to instantly pop up wherever there's a bit of water!

And now, here are five things I (Lady Terminator) love about Ghost Shark.



1. The Ghost Shark

I know. I know. That's a pretty obvious choice. But it had to be said. Every single scene in which Ghost Shark makes an appearance is awesome. The effects are amusingly terrible and the kills are hilariously nonsensical. I can't get enough of Ghost Shark.






2. The Complicated Rules of Being a Ghost Shark

These rules are so complex I can't even wrap my brain around them. Here's Ghost Shark trying to gobble up some delicious teens. He can't quite reach though. Why is that? Is he stuck on something? Is there not enough water present?





But wait a minute. Ghost Shark is a muthafuckin' ghost! Solid objects don't hold him back! Neither does a lack of water!




I'm so confused. I'd make a terrible ghost shark.



3. Rednecks Torturing a Shark with Hot Sauce

Seriously. This is a thing that happens. No wonder Ghost Shark is in such a bad mood. 






4. The Chic Who Gets Her Leg Chomped By a Great White Ghost Shark and Pretty Much Walks It Off Like it Ain't No Thang

Who needs stitches or surgery when a few pretty belts will do the trick!

See. Walk it off. Barely a limp.






5. This Kid Showin' Off His Guns
 

He doesn't like being told what he can and can not do. If he wants to play in the water gushing from the fire hydrant, he goddamn will. He doesn't give two shits about some Ghost Shark.

And he will not hesitate to wreck you with a wrench.






So folks, where does that leave us? It looks like I enjoyed Ghost Shark a bit more than Douglas. Here are the final tallies...

What we learned today:

1. Ghost Shark is a ridiculous movie and has some highly amusing scenes. As far as the film as a whole goes though, it's probably not going to be appreciated by the majority of viewers. It takes a special kind of love of bad cinema to really get into Ghost Shark. Proceed with caution.

2. Douglas Hackle is a talented writer with a unique sense of humor. He may also be a ghost shark. Regardless, if you're looking for a read outside of the mainstream, you might want to pick up a copy of Clown Tear Junkies or check out some of Douglas' fiction available online.



Until next time...

Stay Dry,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Blood Glacier (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Blood Glacier (2013)

First Time View? Yup!
 
The Meat of It: The blood glacier looks like a refreshing beverage to local wildlife. The problem is that it contains organisms that take the DNA of the wildlife that drinks it and the DNA of anything in the wildlife's stomach and mixes it up into a creature cocktail.

Some Thoughts: I honestly thought with a title like Blood Glacier that this was going to be some crazy Sharknado-esque, Syfy Channel cheese. I was completely off on this one. It's a bit like The Thing and even a bit like Alien. I mean, don't go into it expecting it to be of the same caliber as those two amazing films. Blood Glacier is good but it's not that good. 

Warning: Since this is a newer movie I tried to go easy on the spoilers but it does contain clips and talk of the movie. So, ya know, keep that in mind. 

 

Here are five things I love about Blood Glacier:
 


1. This guy. The imperfect hero. 

He drinks. He smokes. He doesn't wear pants when he goes to work. He's grumpy, grizzled, rude, emotionally damaged and anti-social. But when it comes down to doing what needs to be done, this guy still manages to pull it off. 



 
2. The isolation.

The isolation in this film is one of the things it has in common with movies like The Thing and Alien. Though not as expertly utilized as those films, it does add another layer to the horror.



 
 3. The creatures.





I'm a sucker for creatures. And since the plot is set up in such a way that it's like a Mad Libs for creature design it's exactly my kind of film. 

I also like that the film hints at the ideas that mythological creatures like mermaids, wolfmen and even Anubis, the Egyptian jackal-headed god, may have been a reality thanks to those tiny gene laboratories.



4.The banana.

 Photo Source

The moment when banana-eater is yelled at is pretty hilarious. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. That scene inspired an entire BuzzFeed post called 7 Crying Scenes Made Better With a Banana.

If you're not too lazy to push play, you should watch the banana moment in action and you'll see what I mean.

5. The ending. 

Oh god. The ending. I don't want to spoil it but it's bizarre and exactly the kind of thing I love! It's taking every ounce of strength I can muster to resist posting spoiler screenshots. I love it so much!


Rating:

I definitely recommend Blood Glacier! Though I do not recommend watching the dubbed version because the voices just don't sound right at all. If this were a sillier movie, I'd say go ahead but the  goofiness of the dubbing takes away from the atmosphere. Stick to the original German language version and use subtitles if needed.


Until next time...

Deadly Beetle-Fox Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

FleshEater (1988)

AKA Three Drunk Girls Go To The Movies

Eyeball Treat: FleshEater (1988)

First Time View? Yes! And actually, I have not one but TWO special guests on my blog today! And this was a first time view for each of them, too!  

The Meat of It: Bill Hinzman is a cool sonofabitch. 

Even animated Bill is pretty tits.

He just wants to make sure you get your fill of zombies. And awkward makeout scenes. And denim. And tractors. 

Seriously, I love this dude. If you've read my mission statement then you already know just how much I adore filmmakers who disregard any advice that might lead them to rethink their project. I am truly inspired by people who take what someone else might consider a terrible, terrible idea and soldier on until completion. I can now add Bill Hinzman to my list of heroes.

So Who are These Special Guests? I had two fabulous dates for the evening. One is the alluring and talented author, Autumn Christian.  The other is a beautiful Hidden Horror contributor, and one of several bloggers at Dreams in the Bitch House...Fawn Krisenthia. I was surrounded by awesome.

A Little About Our Night: We headed out to the super amazing Terror Tuesday event at The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX where those incredible bastards were showing a rare archival 35 mm print of FleshEater! The Alamo always provides for a perfect viewing experience. Before the feature film there was a pre-show with clips and trailers tailor-made to appeal to the type of crowd that shows up for a film called FleshEater. And one of my favorite parts is when the event host (in the case of Terror Tuesday that would be Joseph A. Ziemba) takes the stage and talks a little about the film we're about to enjoy. Joseph knows his shit. Not only are his intros informative but his enthusiasm is always apparent. And it's contagious. By the time the film is about to roll, I'm always pumped thanks to Joseph! 

Anyway, the reason this post is titled AKA Three Drunk Girls Go To The Movies is because we had some time to kill beforehand. And we killed that time by killing a few drinks.

And then we killed a few more.

After the movie, I asked each of my lovely, drunken friends what their favorite part was. 

 Warning: Beware of Spoily Spoilers.

  

1. Here is Autumn's favorite part of FleshEater.

Well, not precisely that part. Her exact words were, "When that angel got shot in the face." 

I kinda can't stop watching this.

It was like that part but more facey. Unfortunately, I can't show you a clip of that dude planting a bullet in angel kid's face. It's implied that it's happening but it's all off screen.

What I can show you is the shooter making this face when he does the deed...

Also, a fun fact I learned from IMDb is that the little angel is actually Bill Hinzman's daughter, Heidi. Makes that scene even more special.



2. Here is Fawn's favorite part of FleshEater:

When I asked her, this was her response:

"Hypothesis: Can you eat through denim?"
"Conclusion: YOPE."

And Fawn does have a point. If denim is your thing, this movie will have you creaming in your pants. Your denim pants.

Just look at this rad Denim Dance Party.



Admit it. You totally got a denim boner from watching that. 

And despite all that denim, everyone still ends up like this.

Your precious denim can't save you.

And this girl was on to denim and its false notions of protection. She realized it was nothing but dead weight so she performed a rare maneuver known as The Denim Discard. 



It didn't really help her though since the thing that's even easier to bite through than denim covered skin is skin that's not covered by denim.



3. Here is my favorite part of FleshEater:




This fabulous bit contains two of my favorite things...super lame party scenes and really awkward dance action. I am especially a sucker for these types of scenes when I get the feeling I'm supposed to think this is a super cool party filled with super cool people.

I'm guessing the guy on the right is in costume since he's not wearing denim but it's hard to say for sure.

Actually, I grew up in a small town so this is a fairly accurate depiction of what an epic barn party is like. 

This was my actual quote regarding my favorite scene... "Everything about the rockin' barn dance scene but especially the nose-bite scene."  

So, here's the glorious nose-bite...


One thing's for sure the gore effects are actually pretty decent and definitely a ton of fun!


All Three Drunk Girls Agree:

The Night of the Living Dead "homage" near the end with these two is pretty freaking great. 

And the Tampa Speech? Amazing. 

I wanted to give you a sample of the Tampa Speech but Youtube didn't have an English language version of FleshEater up. But they did have one in Spanish. Though I'm pretty sure she's speaking the universal language of love when she speaks of the heaven known as Tampa.

 Dreamy.

 FleshEater Ratings:

It appears to be the general consensus among Three Drunk Girls that FleshEater is fantastically fun. Definitely check it out!


Bonus Photo!

After the show, the host was handing out codes for the FleshEater soundtrack. That's just one of the little extra touches that makes coming to the Alamo such a blast. And Joseph was kind enough to pose for a photo!
 

Lady Terminator (Erika Instead) and Terror Tuesday host, Joseph A. Ziemba.

A big thanks to the Alamo for doing what it does and screening gems like FleshEater!  And thanks to my special guests for joining us today on this denim laden adventure! And if you like strange adventures with a little less denim, be sure to check out Autumn's and Fawn's writing! 



Until next time...

Denim Hugs,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Slime City (1988)

Apparently the last movie I reviewed, Body Melt, put me in the mood to see more people dissolve into goo-puddles. I decided it was time to give the awesomely sloshy, goopfest, Slime City (1988) a watch. This was a first time view for me and what can I say? I had a hankerin' for a deliciously sloppy time and Slime City certainly delivered the fluids.

Warning: Thar be spoilers ahead!

This flick begins with Smug Art Guy thinking if he gets his own place, he can get his prude of a girlfriend to finally give it up and bang him. He's disappointed to discover that his new apartment isn't the magic key that unlocks her vagina. His artwork is also not the vaginal key.

Sex Magnet

He's under the impression that his new building is crammed full of old so there's no chance he'll just be able to appease his sexual appetites with some young and conveniently located strange. But then this big haired vision of 80's eyeshadowed beauty floats down from the heavens and gets him all riled up in the pantszone.

I crowd-sourced on facebook for what kind of music she listens to and Krell Laboratories had the winning suggestion!

Smug Art Guy doesn't immediately hook up with Big Hair but you know it's inevitable. This was the 80's after all and it would have been impossible to turn down hair action as seductive and wanton as that. Plus, look at the way this smokin' hot babe dresses! It's enough to give anyone an 80's boner. MEOW!

Yeah, sure beats my sloppy sweats and t-shirt.

And look at the way she slinks back into her apartment.





Pure sex.

In fact, I've been studying this move and it's how I'm going to enter my home from here on out. It may not be practical but it more than pays off in the coolness department.


So Smug Art Guy also meets another young resident, a poet with Duran Duran hair.

He's also hungry for dinner and invites Smug Art over for some grub which turns out to be delicious, vegetarian... pistachio pudding?





Mmm...a balanced meal! Just like Mom used to make! Actually, this is what Duran Duran tells his dinner guest they're having. Push play. It's funny.

In case you didn't bother to push play because you don't take orders from some blogger chic, he says it's "Himalayan yogurt". I just like the way he says it and you missed out, pal.

Duran Duran and Smug Art pair their fine dining with some mysterious alcohol and the next thing you know, Smug Art is drunk/high/hallucinating and sniffin' around Big Hair's fancy apartment looking for some sweet, sweet Aqua-Netted poon.

They bump uglies. And Smug Art wakes up the next day to some hardcore snail trails.






Might have overdone it with the KY. Scale it back a bit next time, 'kay.

Despite his sticky problem, Smug Art decides to brave the outside world and stop at a diner for a refreshing beverage. You know, like you do when you're hung over and oozing ridiculous amounts of mysterious mucousy shit.

His condition continues to worsen.






That is until he wrecks a homeless dude and discovers it miraculously puts a halt to his nasty skin condition.





Better than ointments and antibiotics!

Life continues to get weird for Smug Art. He needs to keep murdering to keep the liquification problem at bay and "appease the slime".  His new, unorthodox, health regimen causes him to have to distance himself from his girlfriend and friends..er...friend. 

He also discovers the dirty secret the residents of the building have been keeping. Here's a little tidbit. I love this line...

(Language Warning)

Another highlight of this film is Big Hair's dance moves. Or dance move. I call it The Windmill.





I think it's her signature move.




Mesmerizing. Seductive.




She's nailing it. So hard.

Another favorite scene has some thugs trying to rob Smug Art despite the fact that he looks gravely ill and they have no idea if he's contagious. Obviously, it's not going to go well, since we know Smug Art has a teensy weensy killing problem. But there's an unexpected physical side effect of the Himalayan yogurt. One that makes this scene especially fun. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. And it's awesome. Too awesome to reveal here.

But get this. While mugger is gettin' his comeuppance...

This is what his "friends" look like as they watch their buddy get dismembered by a slimy freak...

I'm pretty sure that guy on the right never really liked him all that much.


Now the most important thing about this movie is the last 10 minutes. It's totally insane, off-the-wall and super fun in all the ways you want a movie like this to be. Full of splattery special effects, hilarious lines and an antagonist that just won't die.


Here's a little taste of what you'll get...









Oh, and never fear. That's not the end. No sirree. The slime can not be so easily defeated with a simple decapitation. Nuh-uh. The ending is so much more than that. You should watch it. I mean, look at my rating.

 You can't argue with that. Looks like it's your turn to give Slime City a watch...

Thanks for stopping by! Until next time...

Slimy Hugs and Big Haired Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Body Melt (1993)

Today's gem is the 1993, over-the-top, Ozploitation, splatter flick, Body Melt.

And you know the drill...SPOILERS AHEAD!

The movie opens with a commercial for a "health farm" called Vimuville where its clients are given the tools and perfect environment with which to improve their health and well-being. But it turns out, the Vimuville crowd likes to party...

And there are some shady dealings happening over at Vimuville involving some unwitting test subjects in the cul-de-sac community of Pebbles Court. One of their science guys stumbles across this unethical testing and is less than pleased so he goes rogue. Only too bad he doesn't have sneaky ninja skills because the Vimuville folks are on to him and attempt to stop him by giving him an overdose of one of their specialty drugs.

As a result, he begins to show some pretty bizarre symptoms.

Always a good idea to keep your gaping neck wounds clean.

We also get a little tidbit of what Science Guy has uncovered.

"The first phase is hallucinogenic...the second phase is glandular...the third phase is...ARG!"

Here. It's more fun when he says it...

See. I told you so.

And then he crashes his car into Pebbles Court and this happens...





Oh, my. That's no good. Are his mutated organs crawling out his neck slit to tickle his face?

Well, obviously, Science Guy's not walkin' away from that weird, spaghetti-mess-looking-bullshit which means he failed his mission to alert the Pebbles Court residents of the imminent danger. The film then proceeds to follow the residents/guinea pigs as they experience the effects of the evil Vimuville's illicit experiments. Lots of batshit insane things happen (which I just assume is normal for Australia) and since the first stage is hallucinogenic, we're left with unreliable narrative. We're taken on a ride back and forth between horrifying reality and wild delusions. 

Two of the young dudes from Pebbles Court are on their way to "donate sperm" at the Vimuville health farm. Not only do they get lost but their windshield is all of a sudden broken.

And they end up asking for directions at some weird ass place with these messed up motherfuckers...

And so does he. And so does she. Purty mouths all around!

Even their bird is weird.

These fine folks like to kill kangaroos so they can get high on their adrenal glands. They also enjoy decorating with stuffed animals, giving "love bites", and watching porn with their three-legged dog. Needless to say, things don't go well for the young men of Pebbles Court.

And then there's the pregnant woman from Pebbles Court whose placenta detaches and starts slithering about the house in attack mode.

Did a dingo steal her baby? With this movie, it's hard to say.

We also have the lucky Pebbles Court resident who picks up this chic...

 Who proceeds to give him a rib job. No. Not a rim job. A RIB job.

And then there's a whole family of Pebbles Court puds who go on a vacation to the Vimuville Health Farm. Here's the parents...
 

They know how to rock the spandex and culottes.

And, of course, things don't go well for the Pud Family at the Health Farm.

Oh, and did I mention these guys work at Vimuville?

That's right. It's my blog. I'll make outdated references that none of the youngins will get if I want to!

And one of them has a serious wiener problem...






So, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, the point of this movie isn't plot and coherency. It's fun visuals, gross and creative deaths, and overall strangeness.

I'm going to leave you with these parting words from Crazy Outback Guy that pretty much sum up this movie...

Thanks for joining me!

~Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead