Witching and Bitching (2013)

Eyeball Treat: Witching and Bitching (2013)
Original Title:Las brujas de Zugarramurdi

First Time View? YES!

 

The Meat of It: Women are bitches. Sometimes they're witches. 


Warning: Since this is a fairly new movie, I've tried not to include too many spoilers. But really, this movie is kickass. You should just go watch it.  

Here are five things I love about Witching & Bitching:


1. The Opening Action Sequence:

 

A bunch of mascots/street performers including Spongebob, Green Army Guy, Silver Jesus and his 10 year old son, rob a Cash 4 Gold type store. This scene is gorgeous and funny and action packed. And the imagery is fantastic! 

Also, is it weird that I was crushing on Silver Jesus? Because I was.


2. The Bathroom Scenes:

Oh, holy hell. Maybe I'm just a spoiled American, but take away that eyeball in the toilet hole and the hand....even clean that place up and make that bathroom shine...and I'm still terrified of and confused by these toilets. I realize that squatting is a perfectly acceptable way to take care of business but I think I'd rather do it in the bushes than over some weird drain in the floor or that sink looking thing. 


3. Javier Botet

I love this guy. Botet is a unique actor in that he has a disorder called marfan syndrome that accounts for his gaunt appearance and contortion abilities.  But it's not just the way he looks and moves that impresses me. He's just a really good actor. In Witching and Bitching he is spot on in a performance that is both amusing and creepy. 

For more Botet, check out this incredible test footage for the movie Mama.


4. Macarena Gomez

 

I just find her mesmerizing. I've been a Macarena Gomez fan ever since Dagon.

As Uxía Cambarro in Dagon.

5. Carolina Bang

 

 

Not only does she have an awesome name and is married to the director (Alex de la Iglesia) but she plays a bitchin' babe. And the side of her head is shaved. It's incredibly hot. Sure her character is a little emotionally unstable, but you would be, too, if you were raised in a man-hating coven. 
  

Rating:

I really enjoyed this flick. It was strange, hilarious, gruesome, and expertly shot. Most of all, it's highly entertaining! I definitely recommend it!


Until next time...

Witchy-Bitchy Love,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Street Trash (1987)

Eyeball Treat: Street Trash (1987)

First Time View? Nuh-uh. But it was a virgin viewing for my movie watching partner and today's fabulous special guest, Danger Slater!

The Meat of It: Drinking Tenafly Viper has some pretty harsh side effects. Also, everyone is terrible. Everyone. 

Hey, now. Back it up. Who's this Danger Slater dude? Danger Slater is the sex. He may also be a tapir but that has not yet been confirmed. He's also a published author, the genius behind the video series Trying to Remember Movies, and a Nic Cage fan. He also happens to be a pretty fun movie buddy. 

This guy.

And since he's my special guest, I'm gonna let him take over for a bit while I skip out to do whatever it is that people do when someone else is doing the wordy stuff on their blog. Maybe I'll help myself to a drink...

 
And just a friendly reminder, it's about to get real spoilery up in here. 
 

Here are five things Danger Slater loves about Street Trash: 


1. Rainbow Toilet Guy: 



Toilet Guy is the first victim of the Tenafly Viper wine. The dude literally dissolves into brightly-colored slime. This poison wine shit works crazy FAST. Just one sip and, like, a minute later you're looking like Rainbow Brite's toilet after she ate some bad Indian food. 




2. The Al Pacino of Bums:

This guy is the second victim of the Viper wine. But he doesn't just drink it and melt like some kind of fucking...pancake or whatever. No. Before he even takes a sip, he has to deliver a long soliloquy to the liquor store clerk, lament upon life and all the turmoil it brings, befriend a curious black cat and then, ONLY THEN, does he imbibe that final, fatal drink. I say it's a goddamn shame the Academy overlooked this guy's performance.

3. The 'Shoplifting' Scene:


This is a fairly long, largely unnecessary scene where the gas-masked bum shoves lots and lots of raw chicken down his pants. He is confronted by an old lady who gets the store manager. They then proceed to argue about whether or not there is chicken in his pants for another few minutes. I like this scene because it addresses the philosophical and ethical dilemma of racial inequality in America, and also because I like the way raw chicken feels against my own genitals.

Pardon me, sir, but I can see your chicken.

4. This Guy's Jacket:

I actually forgot why they were even fighting. Something about his girlfriend disappearing or something. Who cares? Look at my dude's jacket. I am so jealous of that jacket! And with the pink pants combo? Human beings actually dressed like this? And not only that, but his guy's fashion sense sets off a chain of events that quickly ends with the least convincing fight scene in movie history. If you haven't seen this movie, here's how I'll describe it to you: Do you remember that kick-ass fight scene from They Live? Now picture the exact opposite of that.



Plus, at the end of the fight, the cop totally barfs on the cool jacket guy's head to further shame him. I'm pretty sure that's police protocol, right?




5. Penis Keep-away:

I mean, I don't even know what to say here...

This. I'll say this.

Alright, Lady Terminator here. I see my blog was left in capable hands and Danger has chosen some pretty incredible scenes. I most certainly agree with him. I love all those things! But today's your lucky day because...

Here are five more things I love about Street Trash:

1. The Setting:

Everything is run down, trashy, covered in graffiti, and dirty. And I'm not just talking about the bulk of the scenes that take place in a junkyard. It's like that everywhere.

And check this place out. I've been calling this the Tire Fort. Two of the main characters live there. That car is their front door.

2. Exploding Dude:



Because EXPLODING DUDE. 

Also, that's the visual I have when a certain someone I know is especially gassy. I live in constant fear that this will one day happen.
 

3. This Chic's Entire Performance:

She is incredibly convincing as a junkie/drunk/mentally disturbed person.

Even freakier, here's the actress from a clip about a deleted scene...

Holy shit! She looks like a normal human being! Well, as normal as someone wearing shoulder pads can look.

Another reason to love her character...this happens:

I'm a sucker for melty tits.

4. James Lorinz  AKA "Doorman"


I'm a HUGE Frankenhooker fan so seeing James in this small first role was a pleasure. 

Plus, he talks like this...

 Don of Douchebags

Speaking of talking, that's my #5...

5. The Awesome Lines: 
(Do I really have to warn you to watch the company you're in when you play these?)

You just want my...

I read like...

She stinks...

Street trash!

And that brings us to the final scores:

So, despite not being able to agree on precisely how many Rainbow Toilet Guys this film has earned, Danger and I can agree that Street Trash is a trashy good time and definitely worth a watch!

A big thanks to Danger Slater for joining us today on this disgusting, hilarious, adventure. And if you like strange adventures, adventures involving killer roads or giant decayed thumb sex, be sure to check out Danger's writing!


Until next time...

Viper Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Nightbreed (1990)

Eyeball Treat: Nightbreed (1990)

View #6 First Time View? Nuh-uh. But it was a virgin viewing for my movie watching partner!
 
The Meat of It: Midian is where the monsters live. Also, monsters are the shit.

Here are five things I love about Nightbreed:


1. Monsters:

Wait. Midian is where the monsters live. How is this the first creature Boone sees there?! Despite its ridiculous adorableness and Precious Moments eyes, it still manages to scare the shit out of him.

Puppy kisses: the stuff of nightmares.

Let's try this again. 


2. Monsters:

No. No. No. That's Oliver Parker. He's not a monster. At least I don't think he is. I mean, I don't know the guy but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. But holy hell, that innocuous looking mug transforms into this...

The ever hungry Peloquin.

That dude is terrifying and has a pretty persistent craving for meat. People meat. And he gets my favorite bit of dialog from the film...

3. Monsters:



That's Babette. She's like the weirdly adorable offspring of Mac from Mac and Me and one of those fucked up hairless cats. 

I love her. And I want to slather her in sunscreen. 


4. Monsters:

Sexy, sexy monsters.

That erotic bit of strangeness is the deadly Shuna Sassi. She's pretty amazing.


5. Monsters:

David Cronenberg

I love the hell out of this guy's films but there's something about the way he talks and his facial expressions that freak me out. Plus, his character is the most monstrous of them all.

Bonus Monster #1:

What happens when you take Littlefoot from The Land Before Time and throw him in a blender with a vintage E.T. doll?

 This. This is what happens.

 

Bonus Monster #2:

How about if we take Kuato from Total Recall and let him hump on our dinner?

Let's do the math. The monster math.

 

So, if you couldn't tell, I'm a big fan of monsters. My heart belongs to Midian. 

Until next time...

Monster Smooches,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)

Eyeball Treat: The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)

First Time View? Nuh-uh.
 
The Meat of It: Delicious name = delicious death.

Here are five things I love about The Undertaker and His Pals:


1. The mesmerizing skills of these fiends on wheels:

I know. It's almost too much excitement for one scene.

2. Skateboard hijinks:

Precisely what every horror film needs.

3. This interesting technique for securing employment:

I've been doing it wrong all these years.

4. Sexy Organ Fondling:

Good times, good times. 

5. 60's babes:

Hubba, hubba!

The Undertaker and His Pals was another movie that I group-watched with those awesome folks over at Halloween Horror Club. It was hosted by M.C. O'Neill who rather accurately described this flick as "Fellini-meets-HG Lewis". The music is strange. The jokes are hammy. There's even actual sad-trombone usage. It's a cheesy, cartoony, vaudevillian good time! And since all that is available is the cut version it doesn't overstay its welcome with its brief 63 minute runtime. So if you're in the mood for something silly, perhaps give The Undertaker and His Pals a watch!

Until next time...

Leg of Lamb Love,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

The Sacrament (2013)

Eyeball Treat: The Sacrament (2013)


Spoiler Alert! 
Since this is a fairly new movie, I just want to remind ya'll that there are definitely a few spoilers in here. Especially if you're not familiar with Jonestown.

First Time View? Yup!

The Meat of It: Father doesn't always know best. Especially when he's doin' blow and sampling the vaginas of his congregation.
 
Here are five things I love about The Sacrament: Lies! All lies! I did not love The Sacrament.

And here's the thing, this is by no means a bad movie. In fact, I group-watched it online with Halloween Horror Club and plenty of folks there found it worth their time. It also currently has a 6.2 rating on IMDb so it's obvious that the majority of people who watch this movie, end up liking it. It's just not my kind of movie. But then again I genuinely love Hard Rock Zombies so maybe take my opinion with a grain of salt.

So here are 5 things I found alright in a movie I didn't really care that much for:

1. This crazy chic:

Okay, so maybe that screenshot is a bit unfair since I caught her in a really awkward moment. But I did think Amy Seimetz did a decent job portraying this wackadoo. She was pretty convincing.


2.  Party Father:

Another decent performance. Gene Jones nailed the manipulative, Jim Jones figure. Enough so that if I were ever to visit his house and he offered me a drink, I'd be hesitant to accept it.



3. The warning label on this vat of "special drink":

This was seriously one of only two things I jotted down during my viewing. "Don't let your baby play in the poison Flavor-Aid!"



4.  This scene with an interesting bit of motherly logic:

Not gonna spoil it but this caught me off guard.

5. Sibling bonding:

I don't care what's happening. I'm never going to clutch my brother's face to my boobs.

Without being too specific about what's happening here, I just want to say the idea behind this scene made me squeamish. And also, I kind of laughed at Kentucker Audley's performance. Now I'm laughing at the name Kentucker. I'm a bad person. 

Keep in mind, this rating is just based on the Lady Terminator level of enjoyment. I am in no way saying that you shouldn't give this movie a watch if it sounds like it's something you'd dig!


Until next time...

Kool-Aid Kisses,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

Candyman (1992)

Eyeball Treat:  Candyman (1992)

First Time View? Nope!

The Meat of It: A mob of racists use a rusty saw and some angry bees to permanently cock block a dude. But the joke's on them because now he's eternal and he's got a hook he's itching to put to use.

Here are five things I love about Candyman:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. I want to tell you something first. I don't always watch horror movies in the isolation of my cave. Sometimes I actually do it in the company of others. And sometimes we drink. This tends to lead to lots of silliness and some barely legible notes with which to assist me in writing my blog post. Sometimes those scratchings have a strange sort of unintentional beauty to them. Because my alcohol infused handwriting is difficult to read, I've taken the liberty of transcribing them for you.

So here are the five things I love about Candyman...in drunken poetry form:

What does that even mean? Lady Terminator, you're drunk. Go home. 

Now, now. Settle down. Here. Let me show you what I'm talking about.


1. The Purple Gang:

I *heart* these guys so much. They're all wearing purple. Every single one of these hard asses. Even that guy in the photo that you look at and think he's not wearing purple. Well, he is. He's rockin' purple pants. And don't even get me started on the purple beret and the teal accents. I'm just sayin', it's a really interesting choice for a gang look. I respect that.



2. Graffiti Mouth: 

That shot is just straight-up bitchin'. Not only does it look super cool but I also really dig the way the story connects the ideas of art. Daniel Robitaille AKA Candyman, was a talented portrait artist and here is his portrait immortalized in modern day graffiti art. I also like that a major theme of the film is storytelling. Helen is interested in stories, specifically urban legends which are generally passed on in an oral tradition. This image of Helen stepping forth from the mouth of Candyman foreshadows her fate. Brilliant!


3. We hear ya lookin' for Candyman, bitch.

Is it just me or is that scene not hilarious? Actually, I know it's not just me because that was my movie viewing buddy's favorite part of the movie. And for the most part, Candyman is not a funny movie. But that scene? There's something in that line delivery that makes us laugh!



4. Her pants are terrible. 

These pants said, "Be my victim," and Helen said, "Okie dokie!" And although Virginia Madsen is a gorgeous woman, even she can't make these awful pleat-waisted, ankle-pegged, mom-style monstrosities look decent. In fact, her early 90's wardrobe is pretty terrible all around. So why is this something I love about Candyman? It wasn't just the alcohol talking when I jotted that down. I really, truly, love horrible and dated fashion. I don't want to wear those green nightmares but I find them oddly charming on Helen. 


5. Mouth of bees: 

Oh, holy hell. Tony Todd has real live bees in his mouth. They even crawl over his eye at one point. And I don't care that they used young bees that are less dangerous cuz BEES.



And the following image has nothing to do with Candyman but I stumbled across it when I was looking for that GIF from The Wicker Man. And I figured if this image is going to be forever burned in my brain, it's going to be burned in yours, too. You're welcome.

Source: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/SixRoller/blog

Anyway, that whole bee scene is pretty amazing and totally freaky. Kudos to Tony and Virginia (who is allergic to bees) for making it through it without pooping his/her pants. At least I don't think either of them did. But if it happened, I wouldn't hold it against either of them. 

Bonus: Nipples

Okay, so I realize you get to see Virginia Madsen's bewbs. But the ones I felt make for a better bonus are Stacey's (Carolyn Lowry). Not because they're better chesticles but because of the way they're put on display. Sure we don't actually get to see them uncovered but the fact that she's wearing a very sheer shirt and no bra in what appears to be just a casual, every day, Stacey-outfit is pretty strange and definitely hot. 

Almost makes me forgive the 90's mom jeans. Almost.

Also, check out that gratuitous giant paper clip shot. Pretty sweet, right?

So that concludes the Lady Terminator Drunken Notes Translation. And honestly, despite my snarky little jokes, Candyman really is a solid film.

Oh! And here's a bonus bonus:

 

Sweets for the sweet.

I was lucky enough to meet Tony Todd at HorrorHound Weekend in 2013. I didn't want to talk to Tony about Candyman, even though I love the movie, because I figured he must hear that a million times a day when he's doing the con circuit. Instead, I ended up talking to him about dildos thanks to a Murder-Set-Pieces question. It was...surreal, to say the least. 

Until next time...

Be My Victim,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead