Monday, October 6, 2014

Candyman (1992)

Eyeball TreatCandyman (1992)

First Time View? Nope!

The Meat of It: A mob of racists use a rusty saw and some angry bees to permanently cock block a dude. But the joke's on them because now he's eternal and he's got a hook he's itching to put to use.

Here are five things I love about Candyman:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. I want to tell you something first. I don't always watch horror movies in the isolation of my cave. Sometimes I actually do it in the company of others. And sometimes we drink. This tends to lead to lots of silliness and some barely legible notes with which to assist me in writing my blog post. Sometimes those scratchings have a strange sort of unintentional beauty to them. Because my alcohol infused handwriting is difficult to read, I've taken the liberty of transcribing them for you.

So here are the five things I love about drunken poetry form:

What does that even mean? Lady Terminator, you're drunk. Go home. 

Now, now. Settle down. Here. Let me show you what I'm talking about.

1. The Purple Gang:

I *heart* these guys so much. They're all wearing purple. Every single one of these hard asses. Even that guy in the photo that you look at and think he's not wearing purple. Well, he is. He's rockin' purple pants. And don't even get me started on the purple beret and the teal accents. I'm just sayin', it's a really interesting choice for a gang look. I respect that.

2. Graffiti Mouth: 

That shot is just straight-up bitchin'. Not only does it look super cool but I also really dig the way the story connects the ideas of art. Daniel Robitaille AKA Candyman, was a talented portrait artist and here is his portrait immortalized in modern day graffiti art. I also like that a major theme of the film is storytelling. Helen is interested in stories, specifically urban legends which are generally passed on in an oral tradition. This image of Helen stepping forth from the mouth of Candyman foreshadows her fate. Brilliant!

3. We hear ya lookin' for Candyman, bitch.

Is it just me or is that scene not hilarious? Actually, I know it's not just me because that was my movie viewing buddy's favorite part of the movie. And for the most part, Candyman is not a funny movie. But that scene? There's something in that line delivery that makes us laugh!

4. Her pants are terrible. 

These pants said, "Be my victim," and Helen said, "Okie dokie!" And although Virginia Madsen is a gorgeous woman, even she can't make these awful pleat-waisted, ankle-pegged, mom-style monstrosities look decent. In fact, her early 90's wardrobe is pretty terrible all around. So why is this something I love about Candyman? It wasn't just the alcohol talking when I jotted that down. I really, truly, love horrible and dated fashion. I don't want to wear those green nightmares but I find them oddly charming on Helen. 

5. Mouth of bees: 

Oh, holy hell. Tony Todd has real live bees in his mouth. They even crawl over his eye at one point. And I don't care that they used young bees that are less dangerous cuz BEES.

And the following image has nothing to do with Candyman but I stumbled across it when I was looking for that GIF from The Wicker Man. And I figured if this image is going to be forever burned in my brain, it's going to be burned in yours, too. You're welcome.


Anyway, that whole bee scene is pretty amazing and totally freaky. Kudos to Tony and Virginia (who is allergic to bees) for making it through it without pooping his/her pants. At least I don't think either of them did. But if it happened, I wouldn't hold it against either of them. 

Bonus: Nipples

Okay, so I realize you get to see Virginia Madsen's bewbs. But the ones I felt make for a better bonus are Stacey's (Carolyn Lowry). Not because they're better chesticles but because of the way they're put on display. Sure we don't actually get to see them uncovered but the fact that she's wearing a very sheer shirt and no bra in what appears to be just a casual, every day, Stacey-outfit is pretty strange and definitely hot. 

Almost makes me forgive the 90's mom jeans. Almost.

Also, check out that gratuitous giant paper clip shot. Pretty sweet, right?

So that concludes the Lady Terminator Drunken Notes Translation. And honestly, despite my snarky little jokes, Candyman really is a solid film.

Oh! And here's a bonus bonus:

Sweets for the sweet.
I was lucky enough to meet Tony Todd at HorrorHound Weekend in 2013. I didn't want to talk to Tony about Candyman, even though I love the movie, because I figured he must hear that a million times a day when he's doing the con circuit. Instead, I ended up talking to him about dildos thanks to a Murder-Set-Pieces question. It was...surreal, to say the least. 

Until next time...

Be My Victim,
Lady Terminator AKA Erika Instead

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